Looking inward.

I was at the studio this morning, after teaching the 5:30 am class, and was trying to decide whether I wanted to use my spare hour to do yoga alone or go get coffee.  I struggled for a short moment.  I wanted to think, to be quiet, and to be alone.  So the question stood whether I wanted that in the form of a little sweat and stretching, or in a cup of milk and caffeine.  I stood there in front of my packed bag of clothes, looking at the shorts and top I had brought along for my “solo yoga”, and decided the yoga was better than the caffeine.  So I dressed, grabbed a mat and towel, and headed back into the hot room.

This doing yoga alone thing is kind of a new ritual for me.  Today is my second time to do it.  When I teach early, then stay to teach the 9:30 am class, I have a gap of time.  Prior to this new ritual, I would spend that hour or so eating breakfast and inhaling coffee.  But given my new career, I’ve found that my body needs more yoga time.  That empty hour or so was the perfect opportunity.  I’m already at the studio, I have access to the room, and I like to do yoga alone.  It’s something I miss from time to time.  I started doing Bikram alone in my apartment in Colorado nearly nine years ago.  It’s kind of interesting now, all this time later, to once again practice alone.  Now I have one of the best heating systems around available to me, a huge open studio, and plenty of mirrors.  It’s quite the contrast to the way I started out, but I’ll take it.  It’s nice.

Today as I stood in front of the mirror, I was critical of myself.  Too tired, Karen.  Not enough yoga lately, Karen.  You need to work on your posture, Karen.  These shorts look awful on you, Karen…  Blah Blah Blah. It’s interesting that I spend a great deal of my time when I teach encouraging my students to let these things go.  I tell them, Meet your own eyes in the mirror.  Face yourself.  Let it go. I could learn from my own words.  Maybe we teach the things that we really need to learn first.  I dunno.  But I did it, I started.  Breathe, breathe, breathe..  Inhale, exhale.  Again.  I did my hybrid Advanced Class/Beginning Class warm up.  I did my Salutes, my backbends, and I worked.  I didn’t feel particularly excited to be practicing.  The humidity was low in the room and I felt dry.  I had fairly shaky balance, my legs giving way as I worked on head to knee pose, my body not wanting to bend the way I wanted.  It was there that I was taken back to the Training room in Acapulco.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Training.  I went through a time when I got home of thinking about Training constantly.  Part of me wanted nothing more than to get back on the plane and go back.  Those formative nine weeks changed me forever.  The further I get from Graduation, the less I really want to go back.  Being home is better, and I know it.  Nobody is meant to live in that situation long term.  Teacher Training was but for a season and that’s OK.  But there are days when I’m taken back to that hot room and it all comes rushing back.  Today was one of those days.

I remember those nine weeks as a very complex emotional journey.  I spent the time separated from all of my friends and family here at home.  But during that time I built up a new support system.  I took care of me for the first time in a long time.  It wasn’t fun or easy or particularly comfortable at times.  In fact, there were times that were painful and I wanted out.  But the time passed and looking back, I have no regrets.

I read a note that a friend of mine from Training wrote today on her Facebook page.  She said that we leave such an intense season of change to return home where we require a season of rest.  Our hearts, minds, spirits, and bodies must recuperate from the intense therapy we have given them.  (my interpretation)  I agree with her.  When I came home, I was spent.  My body was irritated and creaky.  Over 100 Bikram classes in nine weeks left me sore and weary.  But now, a little less than two months out, now that I have rested a bit, I feel much better.  Some days I still feel like I am recovering.  There are times that I practice and my body complains.  There are times when I feel like I’m back in that hot room in Mexico, and I feel sentimental all over again.

The physical recovery is only one side, though.  Physically Training was very demanding, exhausting, and difficult.  But that’s only one part of it.  Emotionally and Spiritually I feel changed as well.  And maybe that’s really where the recovery is happening now.  The body, the most acute need, had to recover first.  Now the mind, spirit, heart, and soul can have some time to breathe.  As I stood on my mat alone today, I wondered at all the things that I’d been through.  It seemed petty and small to feel so frustrated with my inability to hold my posture in that moment.  I remembered the early days of Training when that posture wasn’t even happening for me at all.  How far I have come indeed.

But in the yoga room, and in my life anyway, I completely believe body and mind are intricately connected.  When the body hurts, or even reaches new depths, the mind and spirit react.  Yo-ga.  Union.  Hatha:  Ha (sun) tha (moon).  Opposites.  Union, togetherness.  All connected, and all the same.  Just as there is no *perfect* posture, there is no right or wrong emotion on the mat.  It is what it is.  This is perhaps one of my great lessons from Training.  Just letting it be.  If I am happy, or if I feel pain, if I celebrate holding my head on my knee, or if I whine because my back aches – it’s all the same.  Yoga, uniting, bringing together the mind and the body.

I will keep looking inward on my way as I practice.  I will have many more mornings in that room alone, I hope.  Maybe I’ll pick up some more insights.  I will continue to allow my soul, body, and spirit to rest and recuperate.  As Sean reminds me, I will continue to respect myself and afford myself a little kindness and balance.  I will continue to appreciate the lessons learned in Training, and continue to be thankful for the work that was done.

Namaste.

Eventually, or in the future…

Eleven days ago I completed Teacher Training.  I completed the last classes, my last few lectures, and walked across the stage to accept my certificate from Boss.  Only eleven days ago.  It’s amazing to me how long ago that seems.

When I wrote the last blog, I was sad about seeing Training end.  I remember writing it, the morning of the last Friday.  I was sitting on the floor in the hallway, as I often did.  I had my breakfast beside me, I felt the cool wind of the morning, and was contemplating what to wear to class that day.  I remember that last day.  I remember Rajashree’s morning class, so full of energy.  I remember the afternoon lecture.  I remember Bikram’s final class and the sheer electricity in the hot room that night.  I remember standing with my Posture Clinic group and goofing off.  I remember laughing, crying, and not quite believing it was really over.  I remember when Bikram ended the class and we all screamed and clapped.  We jumped up and down and hugged one another.  I remember people dancing and cheering.  We did it.  And really, it was over.  That night we had the talent show.  It was exhilarating and exhausting to think of what was ahead.  I remember not wanting to go to bed that night, so afraid I’d wake up and it would be over.  But no matter, I did wake up, and it was over.  The next morning felt strange with no yoga class and I started packing up to go home.  I went to the pool one last time to sit with my friends.  I ate lunch in the sun and thought about graduation.  That night, we all walked across the stage and took that little piece of paper from Bikram.  It is that piece of paper, coupled with our nine week journey, that would enable us to be Teachers.  Nobody in that room had ever looked or felt better than we did at that moment.  We shined as brightly as a million stars.  We did it.  Really, we did it.  Graduation gave way to the goodbye dinner.  I sat one last time with my beautiful friends, and we all felt a little solemn under the warm evening.  As time waned, we started hugging, and crying, and realizing we were parting ways.  I remember getting up to leave, and staying another hour just to not have to let go so soon.  But when my final goodbyes were done, I walked back to my room feeling spent.  I was so ready to go and yet didn’t want the night to end.

I flew out on Sunday, late in the morning.  My flight was short, and deposited me back into a cold city.  I got off the plane and wondered instantly where I was.  I saw my precious babies and my husband for the first time in two months.  It was amazing to see their faces, and feel their embrace.  I felt like a stranger a little bit.  But it wasn’t long before I was mommy again and even now, those 9 weeks seem to have slipped by so quickly.

So, now, I sit here only eleven days past graduation.  I have taught four classes at my studio.  My tan is fading, all of my suitcases have long been emptied, and I’ve adjusted to the cool weather.  I am fully re-initiated into my life here in Texas.  It feels strange when I think about it.  Some days I struggle to understand what just happened.  I no longer spend Saturday and Sunday afternoons in the sun by the pool.  I have a stove, and my own washing machine again.  Nobody makes my bed while I am in class every morning, and I no longer sleep alone.  I don’t have to sign in four times a day, wait in line for lunch, ask for things in Spanish, or give my room number every time I want something.  I don’t have to go to yoga if I don’t feel like it, although I do – unless I am scheduled to teach.  I can drive to the store, instead of take a van, and nobody keeps me up until 2 am anymore.  Teacher Training is over, and I really really really miss it.

There are things I do not miss.  Of course, I love the freedom of being done with Training.  I love having my precous husband and kids back, and having a car, and being able to sleep late.  I love my home studio, my friends, and my really comfortable bed.  I love being home, and I love being a teacher.  But I think I will always miss that hot room, the sun, and Mexico.  It will never be the same, we can never go back, and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.  I’m right where I’m meant to be, a little homesick for Training.  I miss Bikram, just like he said.  Amazing.

But no matter, I am here now, and I am a Teacher.  If there is anything that seals the Training experience, it’s teaching.  Teaching is the perfect completion of the circle (thanks Craig), and it’s like the icing on the cake for me.  After all that hard work, putting on that headset mic and walking into that hot room feels like the best reward.  Hello, my name is Karen, I’m going to be your teacher today.  Please come standing in the middle of your mats and towels, toes on the line… The circle is complete.

But the journey goes on, and I have much to learn.  I have so much more of myself to find.  I have so far to go in my practice and I’m excited to see how it will continue to change.  Even as I am growing, my life on the mat will continue to grow and evolve.  One of the best things about this yoga is that there is no end.  There’s no destination point.  It just goes on and on, if we let it.  I am excited to see what is ahead.  I know there are many ups and downs waiting for me, but the yoga is constant.  Even when every class is different, the yoga is the same.  26 and 2.

We say this little phrase a lot in the Bikram world, Eventually or in the future. It’s kind of a little funny part of Bikram’s “language.” I have adopted it so much, and it means a lot to me.  Eventually, or in the future, I used to think about being a Bikram Yoga Teacher.  Now I am.  Everything in its time.

Namaste.

Midpoint ponderings.

Wow, well I am really over halfway done with Training.  But I didn’t have time to really write much this week, so I’m catching up now.  Thanks to all of you who have stopped by to see the pictures.  I wish I could have gotten them up sooner.  But they’re up now, and as you can see, this place is pretty amazing.

So, thoughts on Teacher Training from the midpoint…  Wow, what a ride.  I say it over and over and over and over, but wow..  what a ride.  If I think back to the day I left Houston to come here I can hardly believe all that I’ve been through.  Getting here was such a big deal, and then the hurricane hit.  It was a whirlwind for about two weeks.  Training started and the madness ensued.

I remember a lot of it.  I remember Orientation, meeting the staff, the welcome dinner.  I remember that FIRST CLASS.  I remember meeting Bikram.  It all feels like a year ago.  But really, it’s only been five weeks, so much time and yet so little.  I remember how anxiously we all navigated around one another for the first week or so.  I remember the rough transition into the heat of the yoga room, the adjustment to the humidity, and finidng ways to cope with the class.  I remember thinking I was starting over like a brand new baby with my practice.  I remember feeling like I was going to die, wanting to die, and hoping I would die so they would have to carry me out.  But I also remember feeling better and laughing at Bikram’s hilarious commentery in class.  I remember when my body said, “thank you” and worked harder for me.  I remember the glee of making it through without sitting out a single posture for the first time.  I remember thinking I’ve never worked harder in my life for anything.  I remember thinking I’d make it afterall, then the next day not being so sure.  I remember crying through more classes than I can count.  I remember all the compassionate arm squeezes, handfulls of ice, and “are you ok’s??”  I remember giving up on trying to figure out why I was crying, and feeling so free.  I remember the first Posture Clinic with Boss.  I remember nailing my dialogue one day, then struggling the next. I remember ANATOMY with NO BOOKS!!  I remember my first LATE night with a Bollywood movie.  I remember wanting to scream I was so tired, but having nowhere to go.  I remember the ache that finally subsided from missing my kids and my husband so much.  I remember the day I accepted that I was supposed to be here.

And now here I am, about to being week six, a new person.  This is not the body that flew to Mexico so many weeks ago.  It’s not the same brain or the same heart.  I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do.  But being here, at the crossroads, just over the mountaintop – is really, really, really awesome.

If I look back at those goals that I set for myself the first night in Acapulco, I can honestly say I’ve really accomplished most of them.  I’ve given my full effort to this experience.  And, I’ve NEVER left my mat.  All of those little victories are adding up to what I hope will be the start of my new life teaching.  But, I’ve still four weeks ahead.

So, in celebration of this landmark, I’ve decided to write a Thankful list.  I used to do these a lot on my other blog.  I think it’s only fitting, seeing as how I have so much to be thankful for.  So here goes.

Things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here.
I am thankful for this yoga.
I am thankful for my husband and family.
I am thankful for so many people who believe in me.
I am thankful for my studio at home.
I am thankful that Training is halfway finished.
I am thankful for my amazing friends.
I am thankful for my roommate.
I am thankful for the staff here.
I am thankful for this beautiful place that I get to call home.
I am thankful to be able to be included in this amazing group of people.
I am thankful that I *can* do this.
I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for water, salt, and sleep.
I am thankful for my ipod.
I am thankful for all the shorts I brought with me.
I am thankful for my water bottles and my insulated bottle sleeves.
I am thankful for my watch.
I am thankful for caffeine, crackers, and chewing gum.
I am thankful for blogging, and having the internet.
I am thankful for my Posture Clinic group.
I am thankful that the weekend is always coming.
I am thankful for the pool.
I am thankful that I can buy a new yoga mat because I killed the first one.
I am thankful that I don’t have to wash my own towels.
I am thankful for my maid, the lunch buffet, and the ICE MACHINE!!!
I am thankful for candy.  Yes, really.  Candy, especially caramels.
I am thankful for the van that carries me to the grocery store every Saturday.
I am thankful for my small, laminated, dialogue that has been through so much.
I am thankful for my alarm clock.
I am thankful for my bed.
I am thankful that I get Sunday off.
and yes..  I am thankful for Bikram.

I could probably go on and on.  But I think that should do it for now.

This week should be interesting.  We are supposed to have some great lectures this week with Rajashree.  I am looking forward to seeing her happy smiling face again!  As always, more YOGA, and more POSTURE CLINIC!!!  My dialogue is going really well and I only have TWO more postures to learn.  WOW.  I worked really hard this weekend to get through a bunch.  It is nice to know I am almost done.

As always, my love to you all.  Here’s to four more weeks!

Namaste.

The pictures you’ve been waiting for.

OK so I owe you guys a TON of pictures.  Here we go.  In no real particular order.  Enjoy!!  *if you click them, they get bigger..*

My very first class, and YES it was THAT hot..

The first night we watched a movie with Boss.  YES, I am wearing a scarf and sweater.. I also had a blanket.  YES, I fell asleep.  It was realllly late.

Half Moon Posture clinic.  I was in line waiting to go.

The Spa..  So wonderful.

Renee, Jane, and I at the spa.

Fun in the van on the way to Walmart.

Shakti Laundry.  It happens.

In the lecture hall.

I don’t know why I have this random picture of Andrés.  But hey, here you go.  I think we were all trying to stay awake in lecture.

Hotel beauty..  Yeah, it’s paradise.

Mafrita!!!  My amazing roomie.  We discovered we were wearing EXACTLY the same thing to bed one night.  Aye….  yes, we are odd.

Back when I used to take ice into class.  I don’t anymore..  Too much work!

Meah catches a nap in Posture Clinic.

GROUP 16!!!!!  Clearly the COOLEST kids in the whole place..

Going out with the girls.  Jane, Me, Briah (Bree-Uh)

Our outing to Aca..  Renee, me, Briah.

Todd’s amazing artwork/dialogue.

Adorable Robert from Holland, teaching Toe Stand with this WHOLE BODY.

My drawer full of yoga duds..

Returned to my room after Boss’s lecture to find a cake from Dave on our Anniversary.  I ate the WHOLE thing at 12:30 in the morning.  SO GOOOOOD!!!!

Posture Clinic..  all day, every day..

Aye CARUMBA!!  Mauricio, my boyfriend..  (eh, no.. not really)..  But hey, he DOES smell pretty good   Please note the tiger shorts.  MUCHO CALIENTE!!!

Milling about in the yoga room before class starts.

A room full of tortoises.

I can’t believe I’m this happy before Camel.  But yeah, I am.  Today, end of week Five.  Right before second set of Ustrasana.

My standing bow.  Not bad, eh??

Triangle.  Also, not bad..

Love your camel.

A little relaxing by the pool.

Spoiling myself just a bit while I study dialogue.

The Pyramid.  One of the three buildings in the hotel.  My room is in this tower.  Home, for now.

Enough about yoga, let’s talk about love.

Tomorrow is my seventh wedding anniversary.

This is the first time Dave and I have ever been apart for this long.  The last time we were apart for a long period of time was during our engagement, for six weeks.  I was also in Mexico for that one, oddly enough.  But here we are, seven years of marriage, and we’re separated by miles and miles.  It’s OK, really.  We both knew coming into this journey that we’d be apart during this time.  It’s not fun, or easy, but it’s liveable.  And in five weeks, we’ll be back together.

So here I have a little letter I’ve written for my love.  And I choose to post it here instead of making it private because, well, I’m just an exhibitionist like that.

Mi amor,

When I think back to the day we got married, I marvel at how the time has passed so quickly.  When we got married in that beautiful room in front of all of those that we love, we had no idea what we were getting into.  I remember flying off to Thailand the next day, and spending three weeks delirious in our new life.  I remember our first apartment with no washing machine, I remember sleeping on endless futons, I remember late Friday night laundry.  I remember the way it felt to wake up beside you day after day and force myself to remember that it wasn’t going to be taken away from me.  You’re the best thing that’s ever hapened to me.

I miss you so deeply right now that my body aches.  I woke up this morning with a hollow heart, but it doesn’t discourage me.  You are mine, forever.  It’s etched into the rings that never leave my fingers.  It’s burned into my soul.  But beyond the words inside my wedding bands, and platitudes and poetry is a deep and enduring love that I can never forget.  You are the only person I’ve ever felt I could be my true self with, and the only person in the world who truly knows me.

I don’t take the preciousness of our bond for granted.  I don’t discount the sacrifices you’ve made for me to be here, following my dreams.  I don’t overlook your unconditional acceptance and adoration.  I still remember that Saturday morning up on the mountain when you asked me to marry you.  I still remember never, for one single second, hesitating to say yes.

So, as this day passes and we are apart, I want you to know that I love you.  I count the days until we are together again.  It’s been the best seven years of my life.

Forever,

Ren

To tell you the truth…

WOW, week four is over.  I am almost halfway!  WOW.

I know I haven’t been writing much, or saying much, or *ahem* posting any pictures.  Bear with me, it’s all good.  I’ve always been really honest here on this blog.  So, I am going to talk a little bit about how I’ve been feeling this week with true candor, well..  because I can.

Before I came here, I got SO much advice, information, insight, whatever.. about how this Training was going to be.  I read so many blogs, heard so many stories about it.  I was SO sure I knew how it was going to be.  Well, as per usual it isn’t at all what I expected, or what I was told, really.  OK, OK, maybe a little bit like what I expected.  But overall, not really.

The truth is..  are you ready????  I am happy here.  I know!  That’s good huh?  I feel so incredibly in my element.  I have been a little afraid to say it.  I’ve been worrying that if I say that, it will change.  But, I don’t want to live in fear that this will or won’t change.  I want to share it, so you guys know how I feel.  I’m all good.  I’m sore, exhausted, cranky, hot (duh), and homesick..  yes, I am.  But 85% of the time (or more) I am happy here.  I love it here.  I love the classes, I love posture clinic, I love my friends.  And at the risk of sounding truly annoying, I really really really love the yoga.  I better, right?  Ha.

The good thing about being happy is that no matter how horrible it gets, and it can get pretty bad at times, home base is good.  I feel safe here, I feel healthy, I feel STRONG.  My body is a machine.  Even though they tell us we’re not supposed to necessarily focus on our practices improving during Training, mine is.  I’ve been well and strong since Day One (save that nasty ear thing and a small cold), and have never left my mat.  I have really done well with my dialogue and I feel good about going home to teach.

Oh, and I have an awesome roommate.  I do.  She rocks.

So, in my heightened state of bliss, I fall deeper and deeper in love with the yoga.  I am getting it.  I understand more every time I go into the room.  Of course, I have my days when I want to tear my hair out, or rip off my clothes and run screaming, or just scream.  I have those days, trust me.  I have days when I sob and cry and miss my kids so badly it aches.  I have long nights with movies in Hindi that I neither understand nor care to understand.  I have days when those precious 3 or 4 hours of sleep just aren’t enough.  Yeah, I have those.  But, I signed up for this, on purpose.  And no matter what, there’s always a weekend coming.  And, the best part?  At the end of this nine weeks, I will have a whole new life.  I will be a teacher (or a teacher in the making, at least), and I will have my certificate.  I’ll have crossed over that invisible chasm and have survived the Torture Chamber.  I will be a completely different person.

For all of that, I am thankful and very happy.  And, that is the truth.

Namaste.

Ritual and the unexpected.

Boss came back last night!  And oh how fun it was to see him again.

I have this little ritual in the morning.  I wake up around 5:45 or 6, go straight to the fridge and get my sea salt, take it, have a glass of water, wash out my laundry from the night before, hang it up, eat some breakfast, then I grab my laptop and head out in the hallway (where I am now) to check things online.  I do this in pretty much the same order every morning.  Sometimes I sleep a little late, if I’m very tired or if we’ve been up late the night before.  Sometimes I skip the laundry, but overall it’s the same.  Sameness, ritual, it keeps me slightly more sane.

I’ve been falling into a groove here in Acapulco.  I feel some days a bit like a gerbil in a maze, chasing the cracker.  Other days this groove feels safe and familiar.  Either way, this groove has become so familiar to me that I think I could almost do it without even being awake.  Almost.  But the one element of this pattern and ritual that I never can foresee is the yoga class.  Sure, I arrive to the room the same time each day.  I have my water, my mat, my ipod.  I grab my towels, walk down the same side of the steps, sign in, put my things away and set up.  I usually sit in the lobby and chat or listen to music, and get ready for my class.  But even in all of this pattern, with its sameness and its rhythm, the unknown still lies in those 90 or so minutes of class.  No matter how much the same I do things, the classes never are.

I’ve said before that I don’t think one can ever truly prepare for an experience like this.  You can’t really know what it will be like to be here until you are here.  This is all for a good reason.  I expressed to a friend last night that I feel like I’ve started over in my practice.  Sure I have in my body and in the muscle fibers all of the memory of the asanas.  Sure I have the built up strength of years of repeating this yoga over and over.  But the intensity of this Training, and the profundity of what it’s doing to my body make me feel like a brand new yogini.

Jim said last night in lecture, The only bad class you have is the one you don’t do.  But I am a labeler.  I can’t help it.  I say constantly, yeah that was a good/bad class.  Some days I say, yeah that was a great class or yeah that was a terrible class.  Why?  I guess in my flesh I want to quantify and qualify my experiences.  I long to grade myself and measure what I’m doing on some invisible scale.  It doesn’t even matter.  Whatever system I am using is flawed anyway.

So my goal is to just let the yoga be.  Let the ritual be what it will be, and let go.  90 percent is showing up, that’s what the teacher’s say.  And for the most part, that choice has already been made for me.  I show up without even trying most days.  It just happens.  So, the rest is easy right?  Well, not always.  But you know what I mean.

My practice became a ritual for me.  I built it into the fiber of my day, like washing my clothes or eating a meal.  But once I’m on the mat, all bets are off.  Those 90 minutes are unique each and every time.  And that’s how it should be.

Namaste

For a reason.

It’s been an interesting week. Week 2. I am totally feeling the ups and downs. The week starts off with energy and by midweek I feel drained. The weekends are the best. I feel so refreshed on the weekends. I think it’s what makes this process bearable, the knowledge of those 46 hours off. Yeah, I counted the hours.

This week I’ve learned a lot about my practice. I had many incredibly strong classes. It felt SO good to just feel the yoga in my body. I am getting leaner and stronger. But one of the hard things about this Training is that when it’s great it’s REALLY great, but when it gets tough, it can get REALLY tough. I feel like the room is getting hotter, which it very well may be. I had a few classes this week when I truly felt that my body wouldn’t be able to do this Training. I had another emotional breakdown on Friday evening in class. I just sobbed and sobbed. A lot of it was exhaustion, but a lot of it was also an overwhelming release of so much of the anxiety I brought with me to Acapulco. I am learning that it’s easier just to let it go, so I did. The process gives way to the healing, even when it’s tough. Physically it feels harder to actually let this happen. But it’s more emotional than physical, and I know it. I’d prefer to muscle through and fight it off, but my body and spirit has other plans for me. I am healing on such a profound level. I don’t love it all the time, but I know it’s best for me.

We had some great lectures this week. We’ve been studying more Anatomy and had a very talented woman come talk to us about how to use our voices. She was great and brought a lot of energy to the group. Bikram gave more lectures on Yoga this week. We saw one Bollywood movie and also had the lovely Emmy Cleaves with us all week. Oh how I love Emmy. I’m not sure if she’s going to be here next week. She helped me in posture clinic with my left side Triangle. Oy, I won’t soon forget that experience! And my Triangle is certainly better for it. Her classes were so wonderful. She teaches very deliberately and gives really detailed information about postures. I learned so much about alignment and correct positioning. Learning learning..

So.. How’s the body holding up? Well, really well. I still feel overall really great. No dehydration, no cramping, and no real misery outside of overheating in the room. Physically, I’m great. I do tend to get a little weak in class at times and find it hard to get my heart rate down. Once again, the sea salts are saving my life. Thank God for pure minerals and electrolytes. Thanks Arnie!

On a more business-y note, there was some talk this week about my blog going private. I know many of you have commented and emailed me about it, and I had considered it as well. However, I have decided not to do this afterall. The general feeling here (in the Training), and the impression and requests I think we have all gotten from the staff and teachers is that this experience is unique. The way that we, as students blogging, speak about Training affects the way the outside world (and potential future Trainees) view it. It is inappropriate, I believe, to overshare others’ personal experiences, give specifics from the lectures (Copyrighted information), drop names, and gossip. However, I do feel that this blog, and many of the blogs being written by my fellow students are very helpful to those we have said goodbye to at home. These blogs are our lifeline and outlet. They serve to inform our loved ones and friends of the daily goings on here in Acapulco. For that reason, I have chosen to leave mine public. You may find as you read that my blog is fairly general, and at times vague. This serves several purposes both for myself and out of respect for the requests being made of us while we are here. Please understand this, and do remember that this Training is an incredibly unique community. We are all here for different reasons, coming from different places, and will all have a different point of view. I hope that my words shared offer a glimpse of this community, with the utmost respect to the staff, the Senior Teachers, Bikram, and especially my fellow Trainees.

I hope you all have a lovely week.

Namaste.

Leave your shoes at the door..

Briefly.
It’s an instruction we give everyone who comes to the studio, right?  Leave your shoes outside the room.  Respect the space.  It’s a common sign of respect all over the world.  Shoes are filthy things that we wear to protect our feet.  Taking them off is a sign of respect

But for me, as Bikram taught last night, this simple request is also a great metaphor for how I should approach this Training, and my practice.  Leave your shoes at the door.  Leave everything you know, everything you believe, everything you thought you had learned at the door.  Take off those filthy shoes, that old knowledge, that stale faith, and just leave it at the door.  Come into the hot room with a clean slate, a fresh mind, and a willing heart.  The hot room is a metaphor for the entire training, and the postures are a metaphor for the process we go through here as we purify, purge, and process all the junk we’ve been carrying around all of our lives.

I woke up this morning, NO – I went to bed last night, completely discouraged, exhausted, ready to get the hell outta here.  Late nights, early mornings, endless lectures, movies, YOGA, heat, sweat, eating, showering, laundry….  It adds up fast.  Add to that the anxiety and homesickness, and well, you get the picture.

But what Bikram was saying, I believe, laaaate last night in lecture was that this whole thing is about me letting go and just doing it.  Shut up Karen.  Remember?  In the last blog?  Remember the conversation I had in Ulysses’ class?  Yeah.  Shut up brain.  Breathe, take off your filthy shoes and get on the mat.

Expectations are my enemy right now.  Because no matter how hard I try to prepare, whatever expectations I have set up for myself end up making me miserable.  The only way I can be free is to open my mind and let go.  So this morning, I woke up, had myself a good cry on my terrace watching the sun rise and just let go.  It doesn’t matter.  But once I let it go, I could move on.  I got up, washed my laundry out, changed, and walked down into the dungeon hot room.  It doesn’t matter.  All we have to do is leave our shoes at the door.
Namaste.

Edit:  After some careful introspection, and some input from my readers, I have decided to no longer refer to the yoga room as the dungeon.  I think you know why

Week one redux.

Wow, it’s really over.  Week one is really over.  It’s hard to believe that, but also SUCH a great feeling.

So I’ve been trying to just be really present and honest and open the past week.  I’m not overdoing it with blogging or journaling.  I love sharing with you all, I really do.  And I’ve been doing the best I can to give you the big details.  But, honestly, I kind of like keeping this experience a little bit to myself.  I have so many different emotions moment to moment.  It’s impossible to keep up with all of them.  It’s really true that you are up one minute and down the next here.  It changes so fast and sometimes you have no idea where it comes from.  Like a ship in the night. But I’ll try to sum up the past week for you guys, my faithful readers.

First of all, WOW, this entire facility is incredible.  The hotel staff are amazingly friendly, it’s so clean, so beautiful, and it’s such a comfort when you literally crawl out of the hot cave and see them around smiling at you.  The sweet lady that cleans my room everyday always lines up my shoes and puts my slippers tucked under my bedskirt.  She also lines up the limes on my dresser.  Little things, people.  It doesn’t take much.  The food is great, and I’m NOT sick of it yet.  Pretty good variety doesn’t hurt.  I got a good look at the spa today and later I’m going to get a pedicure.  Yeah, my feet have been through a lot this week and this is one luxury I am affording myself.  Also, how awesome is it that we have laundry service?  It’s pretty cheap too, and SO nice not to have to wash out all those Shakti shorts and bras.  Little things, little things.

For those of you waiting for pictures, they’re coming.  Not today though.  Soon.  I’ve been a little stingy with pictures because it’s so time consuming to upload.  But they’re coming.  Be patient.

Anyway, the place is amazing and the pool is the most amazing heaven when your sore aching body wants to cool off.  Still no beach.  Later.

We have been hustling through Half Moon dialogue all week.  Still a lot of peole left to give theirs.  I’m not sure what they’ll do this week with it, but it will all get done.  Basically everyone here says their first posture dialogue in front of Bikram.  It’s just how it’s done.  With 310 people, you do the math, it’s SO time consuming.  But it’s fine, and listening to it is a great way to be sure you know it well.  So here it’s basically class, eat, lecture, class, eat, lecture.  Rinse and repeat.  I totally already feel the “Groundhog Day” thing.  I’m in a pattern I like and it’s good.  The weekend is a nice respite.

So, how’s the yoga?  Wow.  That’s almost all I can say (almost).  I heard someone tell me coming to Teacher Training is like starting ALL over again with this yoga.  They’re not kidding.  I’ve had 10 classes already!  I can’t even believe that!!  TEN in six days.  Wow.  Every class has been so different and I’d be lying if I told you I could remember them all and how I felt.  I can’t.  But I do feel overall it’s getting easier to go down into the room and face myself.  You have no idea what a mental hospital that room is.  Wow, when you practice in a regular studio, I think you feel it a little bit.  But being here, in the HUUUUGE room (you saw it!) it is so different.  I’ve had every emotion possible.  Today was my strongest class so far.  I stayed up for the whole class, did every set of every posture, worked hard, and only drank water during the water breaks.  Now for those of you not steeped in this yoga, that’s a good thing.  Right now, everything is about my brain.  I’ve had a little physical discomfort this week.  But overall, I have to get my brain to shut up.  My mind is constantly chattering.  Here’s a little conversation I had in a class taught the other day by Ulysses who owns the Mexico CIty studio:

I can’t do this.  Why am I here?  Why is everyone so damn happy??
Shut up Karen.
No, this is too hot.  Too humid, too hard.  I want out.
Shut up Karen.
If I die right here they’ll have to shut the whole show down to drag me out.
Shut up, it’s not that bad.
Why are my arms shaking?  Why do I feel cold?  Why is my skin clammy?
Just breathe.
Who in GOD’S green earth thought I’d be able to survive this?
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ok, breathe.  OK.  I’m OK.  I’m OK.  Oh look, Spine Twist, class is almost over.

I then spent about 20 minutes on my mat weeping like a little baby after they turned the lights off.  You have no idea.  These conversations go on daily.  Oy.

So, the room.  HOLY SHIT it’s big.  Something crazy like 15 or so mat rows.  It holds over 500 sweaty bodies and is apparently the biggest Bikram Torture Chamber on this planet.  Hallelujah, and I get to live in it for the next 8 weeks.  EIGHT!  Can you believe it?  ONLY EIGHT MORE!!  The first night, when Bikram taught the first class, I could have passed out with disorientation.  So many people, so huge, so humid, so hot…  Save me.  But now, a week in, it doesn’t feel as big.  I feel like I’ve gotten my bearings with that hot cave.  The room, the hot cave, the torture chamber, the dungeon.  You pick a name, vote, I’ll stick with it.  I have a feeling when I go home, I’m going to feel like our beautiful orange room is so small.  The energy flows and sometimes it’s like fresh air and sometimes it’s like a tidal wave of hell.  You never know.  I try to just be open to whatever is coming, but you can almost feel it before the teacher even gets up on the box.  I’m only responsible for my energy.  What a relief.  I treasure the feeling though, I treasure the sound of 400 some bodies taking that first breath in Pranayama.  Like one million locusts (according to Boss).  It’s incredible.  Oh and nothing sounds sweeter than the click of the lights going off after the final breathing.  Click, click, click click click….  Hallelujah, I’m still alive and the class is done.  At least for a few hours.

So far I’ve only had to watch ONE Balliwood movie.  I have a feeling more are on the way.  Oh yes, laaate nights with Boss are ahead.  Can’t wait for that.  Oh and in case you’re confused Boss is Bikram.  Bikram is Boss.  You are Boss, I am Boss.  You get it?  Yeah?  OK good.

I’ve made lots of friends and as I said before my roommate is SO great.  I have a buddy, Renee, a fellow Texan, who’s been my main buddy here.  She practices in Austin and she’s one hot chica.  If you’re lucky I’ll post a picture of her for you to see.

I’m going to go nap before my pedicure and then go to the pool.  Weep for me, right?

Thank you all SO much for your comments and emails and all.  You are my breath of fresh air.  I love you all.  Namaste!