Eventually, or in the future…

Eleven days ago I completed Teacher Training.  I completed the last classes, my last few lectures, and walked across the stage to accept my certificate from Boss.  Only eleven days ago.  It’s amazing to me how long ago that seems.

When I wrote the last blog, I was sad about seeing Training end.  I remember writing it, the morning of the last Friday.  I was sitting on the floor in the hallway, as I often did.  I had my breakfast beside me, I felt the cool wind of the morning, and was contemplating what to wear to class that day.  I remember that last day.  I remember Rajashree’s morning class, so full of energy.  I remember the afternoon lecture.  I remember Bikram’s final class and the sheer electricity in the hot room that night.  I remember standing with my Posture Clinic group and goofing off.  I remember laughing, crying, and not quite believing it was really over.  I remember when Bikram ended the class and we all screamed and clapped.  We jumped up and down and hugged one another.  I remember people dancing and cheering.  We did it.  And really, it was over.  That night we had the talent show.  It was exhilarating and exhausting to think of what was ahead.  I remember not wanting to go to bed that night, so afraid I’d wake up and it would be over.  But no matter, I did wake up, and it was over.  The next morning felt strange with no yoga class and I started packing up to go home.  I went to the pool one last time to sit with my friends.  I ate lunch in the sun and thought about graduation.  That night, we all walked across the stage and took that little piece of paper from Bikram.  It is that piece of paper, coupled with our nine week journey, that would enable us to be Teachers.  Nobody in that room had ever looked or felt better than we did at that moment.  We shined as brightly as a million stars.  We did it.  Really, we did it.  Graduation gave way to the goodbye dinner.  I sat one last time with my beautiful friends, and we all felt a little solemn under the warm evening.  As time waned, we started hugging, and crying, and realizing we were parting ways.  I remember getting up to leave, and staying another hour just to not have to let go so soon.  But when my final goodbyes were done, I walked back to my room feeling spent.  I was so ready to go and yet didn’t want the night to end.

I flew out on Sunday, late in the morning.  My flight was short, and deposited me back into a cold city.  I got off the plane and wondered instantly where I was.  I saw my precious babies and my husband for the first time in two months.  It was amazing to see their faces, and feel their embrace.  I felt like a stranger a little bit.  But it wasn’t long before I was mommy again and even now, those 9 weeks seem to have slipped by so quickly.

So, now, I sit here only eleven days past graduation.  I have taught four classes at my studio.  My tan is fading, all of my suitcases have long been emptied, and I’ve adjusted to the cool weather.  I am fully re-initiated into my life here in Texas.  It feels strange when I think about it.  Some days I struggle to understand what just happened.  I no longer spend Saturday and Sunday afternoons in the sun by the pool.  I have a stove, and my own washing machine again.  Nobody makes my bed while I am in class every morning, and I no longer sleep alone.  I don’t have to sign in four times a day, wait in line for lunch, ask for things in Spanish, or give my room number every time I want something.  I don’t have to go to yoga if I don’t feel like it, although I do – unless I am scheduled to teach.  I can drive to the store, instead of take a van, and nobody keeps me up until 2 am anymore.  Teacher Training is over, and I really really really miss it.

There are things I do not miss.  Of course, I love the freedom of being done with Training.  I love having my precous husband and kids back, and having a car, and being able to sleep late.  I love my home studio, my friends, and my really comfortable bed.  I love being home, and I love being a teacher.  But I think I will always miss that hot room, the sun, and Mexico.  It will never be the same, we can never go back, and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.  I’m right where I’m meant to be, a little homesick for Training.  I miss Bikram, just like he said.  Amazing.

But no matter, I am here now, and I am a Teacher.  If there is anything that seals the Training experience, it’s teaching.  Teaching is the perfect completion of the circle (thanks Craig), and it’s like the icing on the cake for me.  After all that hard work, putting on that headset mic and walking into that hot room feels like the best reward.  Hello, my name is Karen, I’m going to be your teacher today.  Please come standing in the middle of your mats and towels, toes on the line… The circle is complete.

But the journey goes on, and I have much to learn.  I have so much more of myself to find.  I have so far to go in my practice and I’m excited to see how it will continue to change.  Even as I am growing, my life on the mat will continue to grow and evolve.  One of the best things about this yoga is that there is no end.  There’s no destination point.  It just goes on and on, if we let it.  I am excited to see what is ahead.  I know there are many ups and downs waiting for me, but the yoga is constant.  Even when every class is different, the yoga is the same.  26 and 2.

We say this little phrase a lot in the Bikram world, Eventually or in the future. It’s kind of a little funny part of Bikram’s “language.” I have adopted it so much, and it means a lot to me.  Eventually, or in the future, I used to think about being a Bikram Yoga Teacher.  Now I am.  Everything in its time.

Namaste.

Spill

I had a little fun with this earlier on Twitter so I thought I’d put it up on the blog.

I often wake up in the morning with just words running through my head.  So here’s a collection of some that I often hear and say early in the morning and all day long.

Alarm..  wake up, where am I??  Oh yes, Acapulco.  get up get up get up..  Salt, laundry, breakfast. water.  must wake up.  Sun isn’t up, it’s cool and dry.  laundry, laundry laundry… step outside and smell the air.  hear the noise, see the sun, mountians.  the sky.

Eat, computer, email, missing..  I want to go home, I want to be here.  Where am I again?  What week is it?  Must eat, must drink.  Need calories and electrolytes.  Must drink..  must..  Shorts, top, mat, water.  ICE.. Dialogue.  study, study..  sign in.  Class time.  friends, kisses.  Buenos dias.  hello family, we’re all here together.  smiles, joking.

Sweat, breathe, stretch, reach.  repeat.  second set.  breathe, breathe, fans.  a million locusts.  309 bodes, and the teachers.  towels, mats, water bottles.  giant jugs of comfort dot the floor.  grey carpet, mirrors, pillar.  white tiles, flourescent lights.  mic, box, teacher.  stand up please, let’s go..  breathe.  again..

Now push, lock, kick, turn, stretch.  Lock the KNEE!  YOU!  stomach in!  skin, eyes, bodies.  moving, breathing.  breathe..  breathe..  go, PUSH PUSH PUSH…  Turn, go, lock it.  Now balance, balance.  spine up, arms straight.  elbows in.  more in, now kick back.  harder. Make it hurt.  BREATHE.  sweat.  water, pouring.  sweat sweat sweat….  Heat.

Break, lunch, dialogue.  food.  eat more, again.  iced tea, limes.  dry clothes, more smiles, more hugs.  more joking and laughing.  Posture clinic, elevators, more talking, study, tension, excitement.

Ommmm….

Class again, more ice.  new set of clothes.  more sweat.  do it again.  come on, do it.  Let it go.  Be here.  GO LOCK PUSH PUSH PUSH!!!!!!!!  Touch it, touch it.  Now balance.  Don’t lose the grip.

Sweating, again.  Hot.

Dinner, break.  more dialogue. water water water… connect with loved ones.  read the emails.

soak the laundry, make the dinner, breathe.  breathe.  breathe…  be here…  it’s going so fast.

Dark, night time.  More dialogue.  the day is almost over.  Deliver it.  say it.  smile.  be a teacher.

elevator again, more smiles.  Buenas Noches, ciao.  Kisses.  goodnight friends.  another round of water.  a snack,..  ipod.  goodnight, no studying.  only sleeping.  drifting off, family..  more missing.  sleep.

The Invitation.

Raj read this poem yesterday morning after class.  It’s beautiful and inspiring.  I hope you enjoy it as much as we all did. The piece is by a poet named Oriah. Find her site and more of her writing here.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Midpoint ponderings.

Wow, well I am really over halfway done with Training.  But I didn’t have time to really write much this week, so I’m catching up now.  Thanks to all of you who have stopped by to see the pictures.  I wish I could have gotten them up sooner.  But they’re up now, and as you can see, this place is pretty amazing.

So, thoughts on Teacher Training from the midpoint…  Wow, what a ride.  I say it over and over and over and over, but wow..  what a ride.  If I think back to the day I left Houston to come here I can hardly believe all that I’ve been through.  Getting here was such a big deal, and then the hurricane hit.  It was a whirlwind for about two weeks.  Training started and the madness ensued.

I remember a lot of it.  I remember Orientation, meeting the staff, the welcome dinner.  I remember that FIRST CLASS.  I remember meeting Bikram.  It all feels like a year ago.  But really, it’s only been five weeks, so much time and yet so little.  I remember how anxiously we all navigated around one another for the first week or so.  I remember the rough transition into the heat of the yoga room, the adjustment to the humidity, and finidng ways to cope with the class.  I remember thinking I was starting over like a brand new baby with my practice.  I remember feeling like I was going to die, wanting to die, and hoping I would die so they would have to carry me out.  But I also remember feeling better and laughing at Bikram’s hilarious commentery in class.  I remember when my body said, “thank you” and worked harder for me.  I remember the glee of making it through without sitting out a single posture for the first time.  I remember thinking I’ve never worked harder in my life for anything.  I remember thinking I’d make it afterall, then the next day not being so sure.  I remember crying through more classes than I can count.  I remember all the compassionate arm squeezes, handfulls of ice, and “are you ok’s??”  I remember giving up on trying to figure out why I was crying, and feeling so free.  I remember the first Posture Clinic with Boss.  I remember nailing my dialogue one day, then struggling the next. I remember ANATOMY with NO BOOKS!!  I remember my first LATE night with a Bollywood movie.  I remember wanting to scream I was so tired, but having nowhere to go.  I remember the ache that finally subsided from missing my kids and my husband so much.  I remember the day I accepted that I was supposed to be here.

And now here I am, about to being week six, a new person.  This is not the body that flew to Mexico so many weeks ago.  It’s not the same brain or the same heart.  I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do.  But being here, at the crossroads, just over the mountaintop – is really, really, really awesome.

If I look back at those goals that I set for myself the first night in Acapulco, I can honestly say I’ve really accomplished most of them.  I’ve given my full effort to this experience.  And, I’ve NEVER left my mat.  All of those little victories are adding up to what I hope will be the start of my new life teaching.  But, I’ve still four weeks ahead.

So, in celebration of this landmark, I’ve decided to write a Thankful list.  I used to do these a lot on my other blog.  I think it’s only fitting, seeing as how I have so much to be thankful for.  So here goes.

Things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here.
I am thankful for this yoga.
I am thankful for my husband and family.
I am thankful for so many people who believe in me.
I am thankful for my studio at home.
I am thankful that Training is halfway finished.
I am thankful for my amazing friends.
I am thankful for my roommate.
I am thankful for the staff here.
I am thankful for this beautiful place that I get to call home.
I am thankful to be able to be included in this amazing group of people.
I am thankful that I *can* do this.
I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for water, salt, and sleep.
I am thankful for my ipod.
I am thankful for all the shorts I brought with me.
I am thankful for my water bottles and my insulated bottle sleeves.
I am thankful for my watch.
I am thankful for caffeine, crackers, and chewing gum.
I am thankful for blogging, and having the internet.
I am thankful for my Posture Clinic group.
I am thankful that the weekend is always coming.
I am thankful for the pool.
I am thankful that I can buy a new yoga mat because I killed the first one.
I am thankful that I don’t have to wash my own towels.
I am thankful for my maid, the lunch buffet, and the ICE MACHINE!!!
I am thankful for candy.  Yes, really.  Candy, especially caramels.
I am thankful for the van that carries me to the grocery store every Saturday.
I am thankful for my small, laminated, dialogue that has been through so much.
I am thankful for my alarm clock.
I am thankful for my bed.
I am thankful that I get Sunday off.
and yes..  I am thankful for Bikram.

I could probably go on and on.  But I think that should do it for now.

This week should be interesting.  We are supposed to have some great lectures this week with Rajashree.  I am looking forward to seeing her happy smiling face again!  As always, more YOGA, and more POSTURE CLINIC!!!  My dialogue is going really well and I only have TWO more postures to learn.  WOW.  I worked really hard this weekend to get through a bunch.  It is nice to know I am almost done.

As always, my love to you all.  Here’s to four more weeks!

Namaste.

The pictures you’ve been waiting for.

OK so I owe you guys a TON of pictures.  Here we go.  In no real particular order.  Enjoy!!  *if you click them, they get bigger..*

My very first class, and YES it was THAT hot..

The first night we watched a movie with Boss.  YES, I am wearing a scarf and sweater.. I also had a blanket.  YES, I fell asleep.  It was realllly late.

Half Moon Posture clinic.  I was in line waiting to go.

The Spa..  So wonderful.

Renee, Jane, and I at the spa.

Fun in the van on the way to Walmart.

Shakti Laundry.  It happens.

In the lecture hall.

I don’t know why I have this random picture of Andrés.  But hey, here you go.  I think we were all trying to stay awake in lecture.

Hotel beauty..  Yeah, it’s paradise.

Mafrita!!!  My amazing roomie.  We discovered we were wearing EXACTLY the same thing to bed one night.  Aye….  yes, we are odd.

Back when I used to take ice into class.  I don’t anymore..  Too much work!

Meah catches a nap in Posture Clinic.

GROUP 16!!!!!  Clearly the COOLEST kids in the whole place..

Going out with the girls.  Jane, Me, Briah (Bree-Uh)

Our outing to Aca..  Renee, me, Briah.

Todd’s amazing artwork/dialogue.

Adorable Robert from Holland, teaching Toe Stand with this WHOLE BODY.

My drawer full of yoga duds..

Returned to my room after Boss’s lecture to find a cake from Dave on our Anniversary.  I ate the WHOLE thing at 12:30 in the morning.  SO GOOOOOD!!!!

Posture Clinic..  all day, every day..

Aye CARUMBA!!  Mauricio, my boyfriend..  (eh, no.. not really)..  But hey, he DOES smell pretty good   Please note the tiger shorts.  MUCHO CALIENTE!!!

Milling about in the yoga room before class starts.

A room full of tortoises.

I can’t believe I’m this happy before Camel.  But yeah, I am.  Today, end of week Five.  Right before second set of Ustrasana.

My standing bow.  Not bad, eh??

Triangle.  Also, not bad..

Love your camel.

A little relaxing by the pool.

Spoiling myself just a bit while I study dialogue.

The Pyramid.  One of the three buildings in the hotel.  My room is in this tower.  Home, for now.

To tell you the truth…

WOW, week four is over.  I am almost halfway!  WOW.

I know I haven’t been writing much, or saying much, or *ahem* posting any pictures.  Bear with me, it’s all good.  I’ve always been really honest here on this blog.  So, I am going to talk a little bit about how I’ve been feeling this week with true candor, well..  because I can.

Before I came here, I got SO much advice, information, insight, whatever.. about how this Training was going to be.  I read so many blogs, heard so many stories about it.  I was SO sure I knew how it was going to be.  Well, as per usual it isn’t at all what I expected, or what I was told, really.  OK, OK, maybe a little bit like what I expected.  But overall, not really.

The truth is..  are you ready????  I am happy here.  I know!  That’s good huh?  I feel so incredibly in my element.  I have been a little afraid to say it.  I’ve been worrying that if I say that, it will change.  But, I don’t want to live in fear that this will or won’t change.  I want to share it, so you guys know how I feel.  I’m all good.  I’m sore, exhausted, cranky, hot (duh), and homesick..  yes, I am.  But 85% of the time (or more) I am happy here.  I love it here.  I love the classes, I love posture clinic, I love my friends.  And at the risk of sounding truly annoying, I really really really love the yoga.  I better, right?  Ha.

The good thing about being happy is that no matter how horrible it gets, and it can get pretty bad at times, home base is good.  I feel safe here, I feel healthy, I feel STRONG.  My body is a machine.  Even though they tell us we’re not supposed to necessarily focus on our practices improving during Training, mine is.  I’ve been well and strong since Day One (save that nasty ear thing and a small cold), and have never left my mat.  I have really done well with my dialogue and I feel good about going home to teach.

Oh, and I have an awesome roommate.  I do.  She rocks.

So, in my heightened state of bliss, I fall deeper and deeper in love with the yoga.  I am getting it.  I understand more every time I go into the room.  Of course, I have my days when I want to tear my hair out, or rip off my clothes and run screaming, or just scream.  I have those days, trust me.  I have days when I sob and cry and miss my kids so badly it aches.  I have long nights with movies in Hindi that I neither understand nor care to understand.  I have days when those precious 3 or 4 hours of sleep just aren’t enough.  Yeah, I have those.  But, I signed up for this, on purpose.  And no matter what, there’s always a weekend coming.  And, the best part?  At the end of this nine weeks, I will have a whole new life.  I will be a teacher (or a teacher in the making, at least), and I will have my certificate.  I’ll have crossed over that invisible chasm and have survived the Torture Chamber.  I will be a completely different person.

For all of that, I am thankful and very happy.  And, that is the truth.

Namaste.

Check-in

Oh boy.  It’s been a while.  Truth?  I wrote a huge, long “update” this weekend and decided not to publish it.  Yeah, I know.  It had pictures and everything.  But alas, I did not publish it.

I’m doing fine.  Many of you, whom I speak with regularly anyway already know most of what’s going on with me.  You know my daily ups and downs.  For those of you who are outside of that loop, rest assured I am just fine.  The pace has picked up considerably in the last week, and blogging has kind of fallen to the side in my priorities.

There really is no way (for me, anyway) to really describve this experience.  I’ve tried, many times, and my attempts always seem so feeble.  I came to the conclusion last week that overall, this Training is impossible to understand unless you are actually here or have been here before.  And yes, even despite my very eloquent writing skills, I feel like writing about it is a little empty.  It’s beneficial, for many personal reasons and it certainly keeps all of you connected.  But in general, I’m not very good at the chronicaling of this 9 weeks, that I initally set out to do.  Which, to be honest, is just fine with me.  I haven’t got the time to be that diligent.

So, on a practical note, we’re here in the middle of week four.  Posture Clinics are rocking along and as I said before, the pace seems to have picked up quite a bit.  I’m not comlaining one bit.  As per the usual, the weekends are so restorative for me.  This past weekend I got a cold, which I am still nursing.  Seems we all have some kind of something we’re dealing with.  I’m just glad it’s not in my stomach.

Classes are..  well, fine.  Good and bad.  You know, the same.  Overall, I definitely feel stronger.  You just never know going into that room what’s going to happen.  The easiest thing to do is to just have no expectations and let it go.

I hope all of you are well.  I’ll try to write more later this week.  Namaste

Ritual and the unexpected.

Boss came back last night!  And oh how fun it was to see him again.

I have this little ritual in the morning.  I wake up around 5:45 or 6, go straight to the fridge and get my sea salt, take it, have a glass of water, wash out my laundry from the night before, hang it up, eat some breakfast, then I grab my laptop and head out in the hallway (where I am now) to check things online.  I do this in pretty much the same order every morning.  Sometimes I sleep a little late, if I’m very tired or if we’ve been up late the night before.  Sometimes I skip the laundry, but overall it’s the same.  Sameness, ritual, it keeps me slightly more sane.

I’ve been falling into a groove here in Acapulco.  I feel some days a bit like a gerbil in a maze, chasing the cracker.  Other days this groove feels safe and familiar.  Either way, this groove has become so familiar to me that I think I could almost do it without even being awake.  Almost.  But the one element of this pattern and ritual that I never can foresee is the yoga class.  Sure, I arrive to the room the same time each day.  I have my water, my mat, my ipod.  I grab my towels, walk down the same side of the steps, sign in, put my things away and set up.  I usually sit in the lobby and chat or listen to music, and get ready for my class.  But even in all of this pattern, with its sameness and its rhythm, the unknown still lies in those 90 or so minutes of class.  No matter how much the same I do things, the classes never are.

I’ve said before that I don’t think one can ever truly prepare for an experience like this.  You can’t really know what it will be like to be here until you are here.  This is all for a good reason.  I expressed to a friend last night that I feel like I’ve started over in my practice.  Sure I have in my body and in the muscle fibers all of the memory of the asanas.  Sure I have the built up strength of years of repeating this yoga over and over.  But the intensity of this Training, and the profundity of what it’s doing to my body make me feel like a brand new yogini.

Jim said last night in lecture, The only bad class you have is the one you don’t do.  But I am a labeler.  I can’t help it.  I say constantly, yeah that was a good/bad class.  Some days I say, yeah that was a great class or yeah that was a terrible class.  Why?  I guess in my flesh I want to quantify and qualify my experiences.  I long to grade myself and measure what I’m doing on some invisible scale.  It doesn’t even matter.  Whatever system I am using is flawed anyway.

So my goal is to just let the yoga be.  Let the ritual be what it will be, and let go.  90 percent is showing up, that’s what the teacher’s say.  And for the most part, that choice has already been made for me.  I show up without even trying most days.  It just happens.  So, the rest is easy right?  Well, not always.  But you know what I mean.

My practice became a ritual for me.  I built it into the fiber of my day, like washing my clothes or eating a meal.  But once I’m on the mat, all bets are off.  Those 90 minutes are unique each and every time.  And that’s how it should be.

Namaste

The things I may never understand.

I’m here, doing this Training. So far, I’m enjoying it. Well, you know, mostly enjoying it. It’s got it’s ups and downs (have I said that before??). But there are things that I may never understand about being here. And it’s probably for the best. Maybe in six or ten or twelve months it will add up and make sense. Maybe not. Who knows?

This experience is so unique. I’m almost three weeks in, more or less, and I can’t even really explain it to anyone. I have come to the conclusion that it’s just something to let go. Explaining this journey to anyone who either has never walked it or never will is, well, a little maddening. I don’t mind answering questions, of course. I love to talk. I love to share, obviously, and writing is one of my outlets. But for me, I have started to become more reclusive in the things I’m sharing. I’ve given more vague answers than specific ones and I do it on purpose. I get the same questions over and over. What’s it like? How are the classes? What are you learning? How do you feel? My answers are generally the same. It’s challenging, but amazing. The classes are tough, but good. I am learning more than I can ever share here, and I feel awesome. But what people really want to know is far deeper than than. They want to know if I’m going crazy with homesickness, if the classes are killing me, and if my body is really holding up in this extreme situation. They want to know what I’m being indoctrinated with, and how different I will be when I come back to them in 7 weeks. I know, I know you all so well.

But the truth is, I may never even understand it all. I am trying. But it’s a little like being told a parable that you hold tightly to for years and years. Then, suddenly, one day that story becomes applicable. Light is shone on the truth of it, and you suddenly understand. I think a lot of yoga is like that. We are given nuggets of wisdom, truth, stories, parables, thoughts, ideas. If we are wise, and are paying attention, we store those things away for later use. That’s what this Training is. We are storing up truth, ideas, knowledge, and information that will enable us to go out and teach this yoga to others. I (we) don’t always celebrate this, of course. Why on earth is Boss keeping us up until 2 am watching a movie we don’t get? Why are we sitting here listening to lectures hour after hour? Why? Because we may never understand them. BUT, then again, one day we may. And I think just the glimpse of hope that one day we may is reason enough to listen.

Last night in Jim’s class I became incredibly angry. WHY is he holding this set of Cobra for so long? I am so FUCKING HOT, let me out!!!! I want to lay my head down. Ugh, doesn’t he get that? I can’t stand it when teachers hold us in this posture for so LONG. Oh and why is the heat so oppressive tonight? WHY? I hate this. Well, obviously I don’t hate it. Obviously I love it, or I wouldn’t be here, right? YES! Of course I love it. I came out of that cobra weeping, sobbing, and cursing the hot, soaked mat I was laying on. But five minutes later, as I did floor bow, I understood that long cobra. My warm spine bent easily and effortlessly. I held that posture with gratitude.  Later Jim went on to tell us a story about loyalty, and how it’s one of the hightest Spiritual attributes you can have.  Loyalty, huh?  You mean, like loyalty to this yoga?  Yeah, see?  I get that.

There’s a lot I may never understand here.  But what I know for sure is that it doesn’t matter.  I do the best I can, give what I have to give, and commit to learning it.  I may never understand even a fraction of what I am taught during this Training.  But it’s all stored inside of me, like precious jewels that I may one day need to pull out to save my life.  And for that, I am truly thankful.

Namaste.

For a reason.

It’s been an interesting week. Week 2. I am totally feeling the ups and downs. The week starts off with energy and by midweek I feel drained. The weekends are the best. I feel so refreshed on the weekends. I think it’s what makes this process bearable, the knowledge of those 46 hours off. Yeah, I counted the hours.

This week I’ve learned a lot about my practice. I had many incredibly strong classes. It felt SO good to just feel the yoga in my body. I am getting leaner and stronger. But one of the hard things about this Training is that when it’s great it’s REALLY great, but when it gets tough, it can get REALLY tough. I feel like the room is getting hotter, which it very well may be. I had a few classes this week when I truly felt that my body wouldn’t be able to do this Training. I had another emotional breakdown on Friday evening in class. I just sobbed and sobbed. A lot of it was exhaustion, but a lot of it was also an overwhelming release of so much of the anxiety I brought with me to Acapulco. I am learning that it’s easier just to let it go, so I did. The process gives way to the healing, even when it’s tough. Physically it feels harder to actually let this happen. But it’s more emotional than physical, and I know it. I’d prefer to muscle through and fight it off, but my body and spirit has other plans for me. I am healing on such a profound level. I don’t love it all the time, but I know it’s best for me.

We had some great lectures this week. We’ve been studying more Anatomy and had a very talented woman come talk to us about how to use our voices. She was great and brought a lot of energy to the group. Bikram gave more lectures on Yoga this week. We saw one Bollywood movie and also had the lovely Emmy Cleaves with us all week. Oh how I love Emmy. I’m not sure if she’s going to be here next week. She helped me in posture clinic with my left side Triangle. Oy, I won’t soon forget that experience! And my Triangle is certainly better for it. Her classes were so wonderful. She teaches very deliberately and gives really detailed information about postures. I learned so much about alignment and correct positioning. Learning learning..

So.. How’s the body holding up? Well, really well. I still feel overall really great. No dehydration, no cramping, and no real misery outside of overheating in the room. Physically, I’m great. I do tend to get a little weak in class at times and find it hard to get my heart rate down. Once again, the sea salts are saving my life. Thank God for pure minerals and electrolytes. Thanks Arnie!

On a more business-y note, there was some talk this week about my blog going private. I know many of you have commented and emailed me about it, and I had considered it as well. However, I have decided not to do this afterall. The general feeling here (in the Training), and the impression and requests I think we have all gotten from the staff and teachers is that this experience is unique. The way that we, as students blogging, speak about Training affects the way the outside world (and potential future Trainees) view it. It is inappropriate, I believe, to overshare others’ personal experiences, give specifics from the lectures (Copyrighted information), drop names, and gossip. However, I do feel that this blog, and many of the blogs being written by my fellow students are very helpful to those we have said goodbye to at home. These blogs are our lifeline and outlet. They serve to inform our loved ones and friends of the daily goings on here in Acapulco. For that reason, I have chosen to leave mine public. You may find as you read that my blog is fairly general, and at times vague. This serves several purposes both for myself and out of respect for the requests being made of us while we are here. Please understand this, and do remember that this Training is an incredibly unique community. We are all here for different reasons, coming from different places, and will all have a different point of view. I hope that my words shared offer a glimpse of this community, with the utmost respect to the staff, the Senior Teachers, Bikram, and especially my fellow Trainees.

I hope you all have a lovely week.

Namaste.