August 29, 2008
Holy crap, I am leaving for Mexico in fifteen days.
I’ve told a friend of mine that this entire ride (ride being my choice to go to and the time leading up to Teacher Training) has been a constant roller coaster. Up and down, up and down, over and over. Up and down. I want off the ride.
I am jumping off the damn roller coaster. Enough, let’s GO. NOW.
Oh, right, two more weeks.
This is where “Namaste” Ren and “Why the hell is this taking so long” Ren collide. The inevitable nervous twitch. The jigging leg under the dinner table. IMpatient. That’s me. Not that I’ve ever claimed to be the most patient woman on the planet. Umm.. just ask my kids.
Right, so the other day I wrote about the melancholy of only having eighteen days. So short the time seemed. Now it feels like an eternity and can’t come fast enough. I’m ready to shove all my tiny shorts into my suitcase and jump ship. LET’S GO. Giddyup. Come ON September 13.
I know, I know, I KNOW all you wise ones. I know what you’re going to say. I need to enjoy this time. Once it happens, it happens fast. I KNOW. Save it. Let me be. Right now, I’m sick of waiting. Even though I haven’t bought any deodorant yet. Save it.
OK tantrum over. I really do need to pick up some deodorant though…
August 25, 2008
I have eighteen days left here before I leave for Training. 18. Not so many days now. I’m doing OK. I have good days and bad days. My practice has settled back into a normal (more sane) pattern. I’m appreciating my days off quite a bit as I know they are limited, and in a few weeks will be nearly nonesistent. But there I am again, I cannot live in the future. I only have right now.
My dialogue is going well. I’m nearly finished wth Triangle. My goal all along has been to have the entire Standing Series memorized before I leave. It looks like this will be easily done. Finding time to study is challenging with the kids, and normal life, and praciticing. But I have been working out some new ways of studying and as long as I give it a little time each day, it’s going along just fine.
I think I’m ready. I believe I am. I’ll begin the process of packing soon. I have a little more on my list to do and get before I fly away, but the major preparations are behind me. Now it’s the details, the small items. I also will soon begin the process of saying goodbyes, having lunches one more time with friends, and preparing my sweet family for my absence. It’s almost surreal how this has all unfolded for me. Just six short weeks ago, I sat with Jen and Arnie and made up my mind over a Greek salad that I could do this. That dinner feels like it happened decades ago. I don’t even feel like the same person. The transformation has already begun.
It’s happening, so fast. I want to remember it. Even days like this, sitting on my couch with my dialgoue beside me. I hear the dishwasher running and the kids playing upstairs. I am still here, but already there. I want to remember how this felt so that when I come back, or even halfway through Training, I can still feel this feeling. I want to remember it. Even if it’s just a little.
Eighteen days will turn into sixteen, then ten, then five, then I’ll be gone. I’ll be in Acapulco. I’ll be in the huge yoga room with Bikram teaching me. I’ll be listening and learning and missing and hoping and thinking.
I just want to remember, because yesterday and tomorrow can never feel like today.
August 19, 2008
Last week I finished the Challenge. I took Advanced Thursday night, then proceeded to avoid the hot room for nearly three solid days. I went back Sunday evening and took a class that reminded me in a not-so-gentle way just WHY I don’t take three days off. I thought I was giving my body a break. I thought I would love the time off. I was wrong.
I’ve been struggling. Struggling to keep my breath and heartrate under control. I’ve been struggling with balance, slipping, and just flat getting annoyed with myself. Today I sat down during the first set of Triangle. Now, for me, this is a pretty big deal. I haven’t done this is a very long time. Who knows what was going on, but I had had it. I was irritiated, annoyed, too hot, sweating incredibly hard, and angry at myself for sitting out. Oy the brain can mess you over. But as I sat down on my towel, I just closed my eyes and tuned out for a brief moment.
I’ve been holding very tightly to my control over my emotions, my practice, and all the chaos in my life at the moment. In the grand scheme of my yoga career, missing a set of Triangle is nothing at all. Save for this blog entry, I probably wouldn’t even remember it in a week. I think this yoga attracts people like me. Type A, control freak, driven, focused. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy in the room.
I must let go.
I’m afraid of letting go. I’m afraid of being three weeks from Training and becoming vulnerable to how totally blindly I feel I am flying to Mexico. I’m afraid of saying goodbye. I’m afraid of feeling the things I need to feel now. I’m afraid of all the things I will go through in Training.
I struggle with doubt. Can my body do it? Can my heart handle it? Can my mind shut up and let me learn? Of course, the strong me says, Of course it can. But the me sitting out of Triangle doesn’t quite believe it.
I must let go.
The more I try to prepare, the more I figure out that I can’t. The more I try to understand the process, the more illusive it becomes. So here I am in the middle of the struggle. But in the end, I must let go.
August 15, 2008
Well, of COURSE I went to class yesterday! Would you expect anything less?? Alisa and Ball have been in The Woodlands all week and I took the opportunity to have Advanced Class with them. It was the largest Advanced Class I have ever been in and it was awesome. I’ll be making some changes to the blog here over the next few days. Stay tuned.
Here are some pictures from the class. Enjoy!!
August 14, 2008
I am a day late getting this posted. But yesterday was so, well… long that I went to bed early and decided to leave this blog until today.
I finished!! I did it! 90 Bikram Yoga classes done! I also, DID, actually do the 11 classes in five days that I talked about back on Friday. And let me tell you, five straight days of doubles was something else.
This Challenge has been less about can I do it than the last one and more about how I do it. In class I hear all the time stomach stomach stomach!!!! But in my mind, I hear, attitude attitude attitude!!!! In fact, the entire thing has been much more emotional than physical for me. This is not to say I have not literally worked my ass off, but so much more of it has been internal. I know I can do the yoga. Clearly, I can do the yoga. But the real question and yes, challenge, was – and still is – Can I do the yoga without complaining?? Can I do the yoga when my mind is screaming? Can I do the yoga when I have a million things on my mind? Can I let it go and do the class? Can I release my control on stuff and do it? Can I get through a class without whining about my back? Can I choose to be thankful? Can I do it with a smile?
I’ve surely whined, complained, obsessed, and been far less than thankful. You’ve seen it here on the blog. But what I am taking away from this is where I am today. Today am I closer to that ideal. Today I am smiling, thankful, and resolved. Today I am 90 classes stronger.
Daren asked me yesterday, Now what? Well, the truth is that nothing really changes. I will, of course, keep going to class. I will keep journaling here and chronicaling my journey through this yoga and Teacher Training. I’ll sort of miss the countdown of classes, the feeling of pusing through, and the adrenaline of it all. But even as bittersweet as that is, I look forward to giving my body a rest. I need to learn Dialog, spend time with my family, and focus on the next month of my life here at home. And yes, one month is all that I have left.
Last night as I was winding down my day, I became frustrated with something going on here at home and just lost my temper. I got into the shower and let the hot water soak into my skin. It was there that I craved my yoga mat. I craved the space, the heat, the work. Crazy, as I was literally exhausted. But I recognized the yoga as my outlet. It’s my solace and my release from the junk in life. I take this as a sign of how far I have come. Yoga is not a chore, it’s not a task to tick off of my list. Yoga is a basic function of my day. 90 minutes on my mat. Me and the mirror, the heat, and the postures. That’s all I need. And for that, I am truly thankful.
August 12, 2008
Today was my fourth straight day of doubles. Tomorrow I will finish my 90. It’s a little bittersweet. I’m really going to miss marking classes off on my sheet every day. Ah well, plenty of time to be emotinal tomorrow after class.
Today I had Alisa Matthews, the current Women’s Yoga World Champion for both classes. She and Ball Rattanapong, the current Male Champion, are both teaching at BYTW this week. It was nice to have a new teacher and to have her. She’s lovely and I really liked her class.
I’m kinda worn out, so I am going to cut this one short. I will write a nice, long, squishy blog tomorrow
August 11, 2008
I’m sure you guys are sick and tired of hearing me prattle on and on about yoga. So, I’ve put a video here for you instead. The only real connection this has to my Challenge is that this song often runs through my head during class. Enjoy! 86/90