Go ahead and struggle, then let it go.

Last week I finished the Challenge.  I took Advanced Thursday night, then proceeded to avoid the hot room for nearly three solid days.  I went back Sunday evening and took a class that reminded me in a not-so-gentle way just WHY I don’t take three days off.  I thought I was giving my body a break.  I thought I would love the time off.  I was wrong.

I’ve been struggling.  Struggling to keep my breath and heartrate under control.  I’ve been struggling with balance, slipping, and just flat getting annoyed with myself.  Today I sat down during the first set of Triangle.  Now, for me, this is a pretty big deal.  I haven’t done this is a very long time.  Who knows what was going on, but I had had it.  I was irritiated, annoyed, too hot, sweating incredibly hard, and angry at myself for sitting out.  Oy the brain can mess you over.    But as I sat down on my towel, I just closed my eyes and tuned out for a brief moment.

I’ve been holding very tightly to my control over my emotions, my practice, and all the chaos in my life at the moment.  In the grand scheme of my yoga career, missing a set of Triangle is nothing at all.  Save for this blog entry, I probably wouldn’t even remember it in a week.  I think this yoga attracts people like me.  Type A, control freak, driven, focused.  It is my best friend, and my worst enemy in the room.

I must let go.

I’m afraid of letting go.  I’m afraid of being three weeks from Training and becoming vulnerable to how totally blindly I feel I am flying to Mexico.  I’m afraid of saying goodbye.  I’m afraid of feeling the things I need to feel now.  I’m afraid of all the things I will go through in Training.

I struggle with doubt.  Can my body do it?  Can my heart handle it?  Can my mind shut up and let me learn?  Of course, the strong me says, Of course it can.  But the me sitting out of Triangle doesn’t quite believe it.

I must let go.

The more I try to prepare, the more I figure out that I can’t.  The more I try to understand the process, the more illusive it becomes.  So here I am in the middle of the struggle.  But in the end, I must let go.