Spill

October 28, 2008

I had a little fun with this earlier on Twitter so I thought I’d put it up on the blog.

I often wake up in the morning with just words running through my head.  So here’s a collection of some that I often hear and say early in the morning and all day long.

Alarm..  wake up, where am I??  Oh yes, Acapulco.  get up get up get up..  Salt, laundry, breakfast. water.  must wake up.  Sun isn’t up, it’s cool and dry.  laundry, laundry laundry… step outside and smell the air.  hear the noise, see the sun, mountians.  the sky.

Eat, computer, email, missing..  I want to go home, I want to be here.  Where am I again?  What week is it?  Must eat, must drink.  Need calories and electrolytes.  Must drink..  must..  Shorts, top, mat, water.  ICE.. Dialogue.  study, study..  sign in.  Class time.  friends, kisses.  Buenos dias.  hello family, we’re all here together.  smiles, joking.

Sweat, breathe, stretch, reach.  repeat.  second set.  breathe, breathe, fans.  a million locusts.  309 bodes, and the teachers.  towels, mats, water bottles.  giant jugs of comfort dot the floor.  grey carpet, mirrors, pillar.  white tiles, flourescent lights.  mic, box, teacher.  stand up please, let’s go..  breathe.  again..

Now push, lock, kick, turn, stretch.  Lock the KNEE!  YOU!  stomach in!  skin, eyes, bodies.  moving, breathing.  breathe..  breathe..  go, PUSH PUSH PUSH…  Turn, go, lock it.  Now balance, balance.  spine up, arms straight.  elbows in.  more in, now kick back.  harder. Make it hurt.  BREATHE.  sweat.  water, pouring.  sweat sweat sweat….  Heat.

Break, lunch, dialogue.  food.  eat more, again.  iced tea, limes.  dry clothes, more smiles, more hugs.  more joking and laughing.  Posture clinic, elevators, more talking, study, tension, excitement.

Ommmm….

Class again, more ice.  new set of clothes.  more sweat.  do it again.  come on, do it.  Let it go.  Be here.  GO LOCK PUSH PUSH PUSH!!!!!!!!  Touch it, touch it.  Now balance.  Don’t lose the grip.

Sweating, again.  Hot.

Dinner, break.  more dialogue. water water water… connect with loved ones.  read the emails.

soak the laundry, make the dinner, breathe.  breathe.  breathe…  be here…  it’s going so fast.

Dark, night time.  More dialogue.  the day is almost over.  Deliver it.  say it.  smile.  be a teacher.

elevator again, more smiles.  Buenas Noches, ciao.  Kisses.  goodnight friends.  another round of water.  a snack,..  ipod.  goodnight, no studying.  only sleeping.  drifting off, family..  more missing.  sleep.

A little bit of heartache.

October 24, 2008

I made one comment tonight to Andrés about my kids.  Something small and silly, joking.  But it’s left me feeling an ache that isn’t easily passing.  All day I seemed to talk about them.  I showed pictures of them around this afternoon before lecture.  I just miss them..  so bad.

It’s funny to me how these emotional things come and go for me.  Michael said to me, “I’m sure they all miss you even more.”  This is true.  Collectively their missing does probably add up to more than my singular missing.  But I have two kids (and also Dave) to miss, and they just have one me to miss.  *sigh*

I’m just letting this happen.  This tender heartache.  Dave sent a few pictures today of the boys.  They’re so much bigger than they were.  They look so happy.  I just want to hug them, feel their warm skin.  I miss kissing their cheeks.  I miss laying in bed with them and telling stories before they drift off to sleep.  I miss pajama time and breakfast and reading.  I miss them so much.

So, tonight, I thought I’d just talk a little bit about that, and let it go.  I miss my kids.  I am a mom, I haven’t seen my babies in six solid weeks.  It’s not easy.

The Invitation.

October 21, 2008

Raj read this poem yesterday morning after class.  It’s beautiful and inspiring.  I hope you enjoy it as much as we all did. The piece is by a poet named Oriah. Find her site and more of her writing here.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Midpoint ponderings.

October 20, 2008

Wow, well I am really over halfway done with Training.  But I didn’t have time to really write much this week, so I’m catching up now.  Thanks to all of you who have stopped by to see the pictures.  I wish I could have gotten them up sooner.  But they’re up now, and as you can see, this place is pretty amazing.

So, thoughts on Teacher Training from the midpoint…  Wow, what a ride.  I say it over and over and over and over, but wow..  what a ride.  If I think back to the day I left Houston to come here I can hardly believe all that I’ve been through.  Getting here was such a big deal, and then the hurricane hit.  It was a whirlwind for about two weeks.  Training started and the madness ensued.

I remember a lot of it.  I remember Orientation, meeting the staff, the welcome dinner.  I remember that FIRST CLASS.  I remember meeting Bikram.  It all feels like a year ago.  But really, it’s only been five weeks, so much time and yet so little.  I remember how anxiously we all navigated around one another for the first week or so.  I remember the rough transition into the heat of the yoga room, the adjustment to the humidity, and finidng ways to cope with the class.  I remember thinking I was starting over like a brand new baby with my practice.  I remember feeling like I was going to die, wanting to die, and hoping I would die so they would have to carry me out.  But I also remember feeling better and laughing at Bikram’s hilarious commentery in class.  I remember when my body said, “thank you” and worked harder for me.  I remember the glee of making it through without sitting out a single posture for the first time.  I remember thinking I’ve never worked harder in my life for anything.  I remember thinking I’d make it afterall, then the next day not being so sure.  I remember crying through more classes than I can count.  I remember all the compassionate arm squeezes, handfulls of ice, and “are you ok’s??”  I remember giving up on trying to figure out why I was crying, and feeling so free.  I remember the first Posture Clinic with Boss.  I remember nailing my dialogue one day, then struggling the next. I remember ANATOMY with NO BOOKS!!  I remember my first LATE night with a Bollywood movie.  I remember wanting to scream I was so tired, but having nowhere to go.  I remember the ache that finally subsided from missing my kids and my husband so much.  I remember the day I accepted that I was supposed to be here.

And now here I am, about to being week six, a new person.  This is not the body that flew to Mexico so many weeks ago.  It’s not the same brain or the same heart.  I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do.  But being here, at the crossroads, just over the mountaintop – is really, really, really awesome.

If I look back at those goals that I set for myself the first night in Acapulco, I can honestly say I’ve really accomplished most of them.  I’ve given my full effort to this experience.  And, I’ve NEVER left my mat.  All of those little victories are adding up to what I hope will be the start of my new life teaching.  But, I’ve still four weeks ahead.

So, in celebration of this landmark, I’ve decided to write a Thankful list.  I used to do these a lot on my other blog.  I think it’s only fitting, seeing as how I have so much to be thankful for.  So here goes.

Things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here.
I am thankful for this yoga.
I am thankful for my husband and family.
I am thankful for so many people who believe in me.
I am thankful for my studio at home.
I am thankful that Training is halfway finished.
I am thankful for my amazing friends.
I am thankful for my roommate.
I am thankful for the staff here.
I am thankful for this beautiful place that I get to call home.
I am thankful to be able to be included in this amazing group of people.
I am thankful that I *can* do this.
I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for water, salt, and sleep.
I am thankful for my ipod.
I am thankful for all the shorts I brought with me.
I am thankful for my water bottles and my insulated bottle sleeves.
I am thankful for my watch.
I am thankful for caffeine, crackers, and chewing gum.
I am thankful for blogging, and having the internet.
I am thankful for my Posture Clinic group.
I am thankful that the weekend is always coming.
I am thankful for the pool.
I am thankful that I can buy a new yoga mat because I killed the first one.
I am thankful that I don’t have to wash my own towels.
I am thankful for my maid, the lunch buffet, and the ICE MACHINE!!!
I am thankful for candy.  Yes, really.  Candy, especially caramels.
I am thankful for the van that carries me to the grocery store every Saturday.
I am thankful for my small, laminated, dialogue that has been through so much.
I am thankful for my alarm clock.
I am thankful for my bed.
I am thankful that I get Sunday off.
and yes..  I am thankful for Bikram.

I could probably go on and on.  But I think that should do it for now.

This week should be interesting.  We are supposed to have some great lectures this week with Rajashree.  I am looking forward to seeing her happy smiling face again!  As always, more YOGA, and more POSTURE CLINIC!!!  My dialogue is going really well and I only have TWO more postures to learn.  WOW.  I worked really hard this weekend to get through a bunch.  It is nice to know I am almost done.

As always, my love to you all.  Here’s to four more weeks!

Namaste.

OK so I owe you guys a TON of pictures.  Here we go.  In no real particular order.  Enjoy!!  *if you click them, they get bigger..*

My very first class, and YES it was THAT hot..

The first night we watched a movie with Boss.  YES, I am wearing a scarf and sweater.. I also had a blanket.  YES, I fell asleep.  It was realllly late.

Half Moon Posture clinic.  I was in line waiting to go.

The Spa..  So wonderful.

Renee, Jane, and I at the spa.

Fun in the van on the way to Walmart.

Shakti Laundry.  It happens.

In the lecture hall.

I don’t know why I have this random picture of Andrés.  But hey, here you go.  I think we were all trying to stay awake in lecture.

Hotel beauty..  Yeah, it’s paradise.

Mafrita!!!  My amazing roomie.  We discovered we were wearing EXACTLY the same thing to bed one night.  Aye….  yes, we are odd.

Back when I used to take ice into class.  I don’t anymore..  Too much work!

Meah catches a nap in Posture Clinic.

GROUP 16!!!!!  Clearly the COOLEST kids in the whole place..

Going out with the girls.  Jane, Me, Briah (Bree-Uh)

Our outing to Aca..  Renee, me, Briah.

Todd’s amazing artwork/dialogue.

Adorable Robert from Holland, teaching Toe Stand with this WHOLE BODY.

My drawer full of yoga duds..

Returned to my room after Boss’s lecture to find a cake from Dave on our Anniversary.  I ate the WHOLE thing at 12:30 in the morning.  SO GOOOOOD!!!!

Posture Clinic..  all day, every day..

Aye CARUMBA!!  Mauricio, my boyfriend..  (eh, no.. not really)..  But hey, he DOES smell pretty good 😉  Please note the tiger shorts.  MUCHO CALIENTE!!!

Milling about in the yoga room before class starts.

A room full of tortoises.

I can’t believe I’m this happy before Camel.  But yeah, I am.  Today, end of week Five.  Right before second set of Ustrasana.

My standing bow.  Not bad, eh??

Triangle.  Also, not bad..

Love your camel.

A little relaxing by the pool.

Spoiling myself just a bit while I study dialogue.

The Pyramid.  One of the three buildings in the hotel.  My room is in this tower.  Home, for now.

Just say Om..

October 18, 2008

What a great way to end week five. More pictures to come soon!

Pain, pain, pain…

October 15, 2008

This isn’t going to be one of those fluffy, happy, zen-like Ren blog posts.  No, this is not that kind of post at all.  In fact, I am quite sure that tomorrow, or the next day, when I have recovered from feeling as shitty as I do, I will look back at this post and wonder why I felt the need to be so verbal.  But tonight, sitting in this hallway, I just gotta write.  So, if you are so inclined to read my whining, complaining, bitching, and moaning.. then read on dear friends.

I hurt.  All over from the top of my head to my toes.  My skin hurts, my back hurts, my joints hurt.  My hurt is so deep nothing touches it.  Tiger balm?  Ha.  Advil?  Not a chance.  I just hurt.  I don’t have any yogic insights into why I feel this awful, other than the MASSIVE amount of yoga I’ve been doing.  Of course, that is part of it.  But I suspect, as many of you probably also do, that my hurt probably also comes from some other place.  Emotions, grief, shit in the past.  Who knows, right??  I just hurt.

Emmy talked about Pain in week 2.  I remember when she came and she went on and on about it.  I was hurting then, a little.  I had a stiff, sore, aching lower back.  I thought surely my sore tailbone was pretty awful and I’d only get better from there.  HA..  Yeah right.

I sit on the floor hours and HOURS a day.  If it’s not in the yoga room, it’s in posture clinic.  If I’m not sitting on a floor, I’m sitting in a chair for hours, in lecture.  My body longs to rest supine.  Alas, those opportunities are few and far between.  Now, I know, this is my journey and all that and I’m supposed to be getting stronger.  I am, I really am.  I did sign up for this nine weeks.  This complaining is not about how I want out of my current state here in Training.  I just don’t want to hurt.  Or, at the very least, I’d like to not hurt quite as much.

Phew…  OK..

I’m trying to just let go.  Tonight in class I was humbled by having to lay out of a few of my favorite postures on the floor because my body just said no.  It just refused to do it.  Process.  All part of the process.  I trust the process.  I do.

So, I’m OK.  I will get over this and move on and something else will come up.  I will likely wake up tomorrow and be excited again.  But right now, after this long stressful day, I just want to cry.  It’s not even the Training getting to me.  I have said before I like it here and I do.  It’s just this body that’s a little bit worn down.  Not so good to need a weekend already on Tuesday, right??

Tomorrow’s a new day, thank God.

Namaste.