I’m having a sort of off day.

I was sick for a while. I lost my voice, got sick, then got better. Then I got really sick again, then I got well. I hit bottom on Sunday evening when I just couldn’t talk anymore. The pain in my throat had gotten to critical level. I was sick, really sick. I proceeded to – as all enlightened, health-conscious yoga teachers do – drug myself. I rarely take medicine, let alone hardcore nighttime cold medicine.   But there I was, late that evening, standing in the cold and flue medicine aisle at the store.  I wanted the kind of relief that would put me so far to sleep I wouldn’t care how badly my throat hurt.  I got it.  I took that blue liquid and no more than 20 minutes later was as high as a kite.  No lie, I was done for.  You know how those packages say, Never operate machinery while using this medicine?  I now know why.  I barely made it up the stairs to my bed.  Dave must have covered me.  I slept very soundly for five hours.

Then I woke up.

The throat that was sore when I went to sleep now felt like razor blades had been forced down it.  If miserable sore throat were a condition warranting immediate medical care, I would have gone to the ER.  It was that bad.  I woke up crying, begging for relief.  I woke up Dave, who dutifully went down to the kitchen and got my Cepacol and crack Tylenol Severe Chest Cold Nighttime.  The Cepacol made my throat burn, it did nothing for the pain.  I took the Tylenol, prayed to God for mercy, and tried to go back to sleep.  It was a rough few days.

Then I woke up, and I felt human again.  It got worse before it got better.  I coughed, I moaned, I groaned.  I had no voice, nothing.  But it got better.

That was two weeks ago.  My voice is completely back.  YAY!  But as things go, I’m starting to feel, well..  off. I’ve been practicing more, trying to get in more classes with the teaching schedule.  It’s good.  I just don’t know what’s up with me.

As a student of yoga, and as a yoga teacher, I know that the mind and body are one.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.  My practice has been bringing up some emotional issues.  As I deal with those, sometimes setting them aside for a time, sometimes not, I find my body reacts.  I’m betting that these aching shoulders and tight hips are more than just surface issues.  So why am I so stubborn?  Why can’t I just rest and let myself recover, heal, and restore?  Why do I keep gnawing at myself day after day?

My body is telling me something.  I don’t need another bad chest cold to get my attention.  I don’t need to lose my voice again to understand that the energy in my body is moving differently.  What I need is to go back to yoga preschool.  I need to work a little slower on my mat, give myself some room to breathe, and relax.  I need to (as per the usual) heed the words I tell my students.  I need to take care of me.

I’ve written before about learning this delicate balance.  Teaching Bikram Yoga can be an exhausting job.  It’s hours in the hot room, sweating, and talking non-stop..  On the other side of that, there’s the emotional expenditure.  I walk in and very carefully encourage my students, I use the energy in the room, I try to discern how to best teach, how to motivate, when to push, and when to give compassion.  Often it’s the latter that wears me out the most.  We tell beginners and experienced students the same thing.  Every day is different, every practice is different.  Be kind to yourself and breathe.

I still need to learn these lessons.

So take me back to preschool.  I hear they have snacks.

Looking inward.

January 5, 2009

I was at the studio this morning, after teaching the 5:30 am class, and was trying to decide whether I wanted to use my spare hour to do yoga alone or go get coffee.  I struggled for a short moment.  I wanted to think, to be quiet, and to be alone.  So the question stood whether I wanted that in the form of a little sweat and stretching, or in a cup of milk and caffeine.  I stood there in front of my packed bag of clothes, looking at the shorts and top I had brought along for my “solo yoga”, and decided the yoga was better than the caffeine.  So I dressed, grabbed a mat and towel, and headed back into the hot room.

This doing yoga alone thing is kind of a new ritual for me.  Today is my second time to do it.  When I teach early, then stay to teach the 9:30 am class, I have a gap of time.  Prior to this new ritual, I would spend that hour or so eating breakfast and inhaling coffee.  But given my new career, I’ve found that my body needs more yoga time.  That empty hour or so was the perfect opportunity.  I’m already at the studio, I have access to the room, and I like to do yoga alone.  It’s something I miss from time to time.  I started doing Bikram alone in my apartment in Colorado nearly nine years ago.  It’s kind of interesting now, all this time later, to once again practice alone.  Now I have one of the best heating systems around available to me, a huge open studio, and plenty of mirrors.  It’s quite the contrast to the way I started out, but I’ll take it.  It’s nice.

Today as I stood in front of the mirror, I was critical of myself.  Too tired, Karen.  Not enough yoga lately, Karen.  You need to work on your posture, Karen.  These shorts look awful on you, Karen…  Blah Blah Blah. It’s interesting that I spend a great deal of my time when I teach encouraging my students to let these things go.  I tell them, Meet your own eyes in the mirror.  Face yourself.  Let it go. I could learn from my own words.  Maybe we teach the things that we really need to learn first.  I dunno.  But I did it, I started.  Breathe, breathe, breathe..  Inhale, exhale.  Again.  I did my hybrid Advanced Class/Beginning Class warm up.  I did my Salutes, my backbends, and I worked.  I didn’t feel particularly excited to be practicing.  The humidity was low in the room and I felt dry.  I had fairly shaky balance, my legs giving way as I worked on head to knee pose, my body not wanting to bend the way I wanted.  It was there that I was taken back to the Training room in Acapulco.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Training.  I went through a time when I got home of thinking about Training constantly.  Part of me wanted nothing more than to get back on the plane and go back.  Those formative nine weeks changed me forever.  The further I get from Graduation, the less I really want to go back.  Being home is better, and I know it.  Nobody is meant to live in that situation long term.  Teacher Training was but for a season and that’s OK.  But there are days when I’m taken back to that hot room and it all comes rushing back.  Today was one of those days.

I remember those nine weeks as a very complex emotional journey.  I spent the time separated from all of my friends and family here at home.  But during that time I built up a new support system.  I took care of me for the first time in a long time.  It wasn’t fun or easy or particularly comfortable at times.  In fact, there were times that were painful and I wanted out.  But the time passed and looking back, I have no regrets.

I read a note that a friend of mine from Training wrote today on her Facebook page.  She said that we leave such an intense season of change to return home where we require a season of rest.  Our hearts, minds, spirits, and bodies must recuperate from the intense therapy we have given them.  (my interpretation)  I agree with her.  When I came home, I was spent.  My body was irritated and creaky.  Over 100 Bikram classes in nine weeks left me sore and weary.  But now, a little less than two months out, now that I have rested a bit, I feel much better.  Some days I still feel like I am recovering.  There are times that I practice and my body complains.  There are times when I feel like I’m back in that hot room in Mexico, and I feel sentimental all over again.

The physical recovery is only one side, though.  Physically Training was very demanding, exhausting, and difficult.  But that’s only one part of it.  Emotionally and Spiritually I feel changed as well.  And maybe that’s really where the recovery is happening now.  The body, the most acute need, had to recover first.  Now the mind, spirit, heart, and soul can have some time to breathe.  As I stood on my mat alone today, I wondered at all the things that I’d been through.  It seemed petty and small to feel so frustrated with my inability to hold my posture in that moment.  I remembered the early days of Training when that posture wasn’t even happening for me at all.  How far I have come indeed.

But in the yoga room, and in my life anyway, I completely believe body and mind are intricately connected.  When the body hurts, or even reaches new depths, the mind and spirit react.  Yo-ga.  Union.  Hatha:  Ha (sun) tha (moon).  Opposites.  Union, togetherness.  All connected, and all the same.  Just as there is no *perfect* posture, there is no right or wrong emotion on the mat.  It is what it is.  This is perhaps one of my great lessons from Training.  Just letting it be.  If I am happy, or if I feel pain, if I celebrate holding my head on my knee, or if I whine because my back aches – it’s all the same.  Yoga, uniting, bringing together the mind and the body.

I will keep looking inward on my way as I practice.  I will have many more mornings in that room alone, I hope.  Maybe I’ll pick up some more insights.  I will continue to allow my soul, body, and spirit to rest and recuperate.  As Sean reminds me, I will continue to respect myself and afford myself a little kindness and balance.  I will continue to appreciate the lessons learned in Training, and continue to be thankful for the work that was done.

Namaste.

Losing it.

January 4, 2009

Well, it happened to me.  The New Teacher lost her Voice.

It happened about two weeks ago.  I really really really lost it right before Christmas.  I had not been feeling my best over the weekend, fighting off a nasty something or other, and a sore throat.  Well, I woke up at that particularly lovely hour of 4 am to greet my amazing 5:30 yogis and was SO hoarse.  My throat was sore, but I taught, then went back to teach 9:30.  Somwhere around 40 mnutes into class I didn’t know how on earth I was going to finish.  Thank the Gods above for the microphone.  I surived that one but was whispering as I left the studio.  It’s been nearly two weeks and though my voice is back, mostly, I still can’t sing..  at all.  And yes, I can usually sing.

Anyway.

I lost my voice.  I have gotten the lecture, so please..  I know.  I KNOW how to use my voice.  I’ve had plenty of voice lessons.  Diaphragm, I know, I know.  Really, I think I lost my voice because of whatever something or other I had.  Either way, it was gone.  And if there’s anything you can NOT do without a voice, it’s teach Bikram Yoga.

This too shall pass.

So, I’m fine, and I only missed two of my classes thanks to the Holiday time.  By the way, my Holiday was great and I hope yours was too.

So I think I’ve lost count of how many weeks I’ve been back from Teacher Training.  I’ve also lost count of how many classes I have taught.  Teaching is going so well.  I really love it, like, a lot.  I love love love love it.  Of course, it does not hurt that I have the best studio to teach in with the best fellow teachers and bosses (shameless plug)..   In all seriousness, I feel great about teaching.  I feel so supported at BYTW and feel like I’m learning as I teach, and that’s the point, right?

Every day is different when you teach.  Much like when you practice, you can never really tell how the class will go.  I’ve had some rough classes.  My worst on record, I believe, was a Friday 5:30 am’er where I was so sick by the middle of class I barely made it home.  That was no fun, but a learning experience.  I’m learning more than ever to take care of myself and respect my physical limits.  And yes, I do have some.  Teaching can be exhausting,  It’s hard to find the balance between teaching class and finding time to take class.  I’m still working it out, but mostly I get in the room as much as I can and not worry about the rest.  Some days, like today, after teaching a double back to back class, I just do not have it in me to take a class (let alone an Advanced Class).  So it is what it is.  I get plenty of yoga, and plenty of heat.  I still crave more yoga, as I always have.  Maybe that will never end.  But one day at at time, I make my way.

It’s a New Year, and I’m still a New Teacher.  I feel great, but still learning, and that’s why I’m here.

Namaste.