For a reason.

September 29, 2008

It’s been an interesting week. Week 2. I am totally feeling the ups and downs. The week starts off with energy and by midweek I feel drained. The weekends are the best. I feel so refreshed on the weekends. I think it’s what makes this process bearable, the knowledge of those 46 hours off. Yeah, I counted the hours.

This week I’ve learned a lot about my practice. I had many incredibly strong classes. It felt SO good to just feel the yoga in my body. I am getting leaner and stronger. But one of the hard things about this Training is that when it’s great it’s REALLY great, but when it gets tough, it can get REALLY tough. I feel like the room is getting hotter, which it very well may be. I had a few classes this week when I truly felt that my body wouldn’t be able to do this Training. I had another emotional breakdown on Friday evening in class. I just sobbed and sobbed. A lot of it was exhaustion, but a lot of it was also an overwhelming release of so much of the anxiety I brought with me to Acapulco. I am learning that it’s easier just to let it go, so I did. The process gives way to the healing, even when it’s tough. Physically it feels harder to actually let this happen. But it’s more emotional than physical, and I know it. I’d prefer to muscle through and fight it off, but my body and spirit has other plans for me. I am healing on such a profound level. I don’t love it all the time, but I know it’s best for me.

We had some great lectures this week. We’ve been studying more Anatomy and had a very talented woman come talk to us about how to use our voices. She was great and brought a lot of energy to the group. Bikram gave more lectures on Yoga this week. We saw one Bollywood movie and also had the lovely Emmy Cleaves with us all week. Oh how I love Emmy. I’m not sure if she’s going to be here next week. She helped me in posture clinic with my left side Triangle. Oy, I won’t soon forget that experience! And my Triangle is certainly better for it. Her classes were so wonderful. She teaches very deliberately and gives really detailed information about postures. I learned so much about alignment and correct positioning. Learning learning..

So.. How’s the body holding up? Well, really well. I still feel overall really great. No dehydration, no cramping, and no real misery outside of overheating in the room. Physically, I’m great. I do tend to get a little weak in class at times and find it hard to get my heart rate down. Once again, the sea salts are saving my life. Thank God for pure minerals and electrolytes. Thanks Arnie!

On a more business-y note, there was some talk this week about my blog going private. I know many of you have commented and emailed me about it, and I had considered it as well. However, I have decided not to do this afterall. The general feeling here (in the Training), and the impression and requests I think we have all gotten from the staff and teachers is that this experience is unique. The way that we, as students blogging, speak about Training affects the way the outside world (and potential future Trainees) view it. It is inappropriate, I believe, to overshare others’ personal experiences, give specifics from the lectures (Copyrighted information), drop names, and gossip. However, I do feel that this blog, and many of the blogs being written by my fellow students are very helpful to those we have said goodbye to at home. These blogs are our lifeline and outlet. They serve to inform our loved ones and friends of the daily goings on here in Acapulco. For that reason, I have chosen to leave mine public. You may find as you read that my blog is fairly general, and at times vague. This serves several purposes both for myself and out of respect for the requests being made of us while we are here. Please understand this, and do remember that this Training is an incredibly unique community. We are all here for different reasons, coming from different places, and will all have a different point of view. I hope that my words shared offer a glimpse of this community, with the utmost respect to the staff, the Senior Teachers, Bikram, and especially my fellow Trainees.

I hope you all have a lovely week.

Namaste.

The Roller Coaster

September 19, 2008

It’s FRIDAY!!!  I cannot believe that week one is nearly over.  Wow.

So, everthing anyone ever told me about this Training being a total roller coaster was right.  It literally is moment by moment up one minute and down the next.  I’ve seen some pretty deep lows this week and had some pretty high highs.  This is GOOD!  Am I right?  Yes Boss!

Anyway, my classes are feeling a little stronger.  I had quite possibly (what I thought) the worst class of my entire yoga career yesterday.  What’s funny about it is that I thought the class I had Wednesday night was the worst.  Get my point?  But then last night I had a strong class with Bikram.  I felt good, like I was floating.  I’ve cried every single class since I got here but last night.  There’s nothing wrong with that, I am certainly fairing better than many of my fellow students overall.  But it’s hard emotionally.  It’s all good, all part of this process I see opening up and as hard as it is, I am trying to let it go.

So people have been asking me, why do people collapse, vomit, pass out, etc, in the class here.  There are so many reasons for it.  And it’s not even just because it’s Training.  Bikram Yoga is like a refiner’s fire.  It’s the kiln, where you put your body to shape it, to mold it.  When you put your body in the fire, the shit comes out.  Whatever that means for you, it happens.  Tears, nausea, vomiting, fainting, it’s all just the body purging itself of the crap we’ve done to it for however long we’ve been alive.  One of our teachers said (I believe it was Jim Kallet) that the body NEVER forgets.  Everything we’ve done to our body is still in our body.  So you go into the room, the heat and the humidity, and you feel that purge.  Let it go, this is good.  Some of the students here are adjusting to the elevated humidity of the room (around 70%), others are coping with viruses, others are dealing with weak bodies, others are suffering emotionally.  We all deal with it, in different ways.  But what we learn from it is to get back to our mat, stand back up, and work.  Every day, class by class, breath by breath.

I gave my dialogue for Bikram last night, and I nailed it.  Felt awesome to be done with that.  Just, you know, 23 more postures to go!

This place is becoming more and more familiar to me.  I’m getting it why we have to let go and be here.  I have enjoyed having this time already just to not worry, not think, just do.  I’ve opened myself up, and I’m here.  I’m also looking forward to the weekend when I can rest a little more, study, and maybe even go to the beach.

So, how’s my body doing?  Overall, I’m doing great.  No dehydration, no cramping (WOW).  Overall, I’m just dealing with a slightly cranky digestive system (SOTBB), some fatigue, and my emotional junk.  I’m grateful to NOT be vomiting, or leaving the room, or passing out.  I’ve stayed on my mat, in the room, and that’s the goal.  I’m taking care and eating well.  So far so great.  Even when it sucks, I remember how far I’ve come.  I feel SO much new depth in my postures.  Just this far in!  I can’t wait to see how I feel in 8 weeks.  I’m holding things, pushing things, and feeling stronger class by class.  Thankful, thankful, thankful!!!

I had better be off to prepare for class.  Can’t wait to write again this weekend.  Namaste.

Today’s class was tough. I can feel myself pushing into another phase of detox and it’s showing on the mat. It’s a good thing, and I’m glad for it. But it’s humbling me. Today I had a few moments of doubt. OK, more than a few. I started to think, can I really do this again? This day in and day out yoga thing.. again?? Of course, those thoughts immediately led to these; how on earth will I survive Training? And well, it kinda didn’t go well for me emotionally after that. Doubt was my worst enemy for me today. And the nausea I couldn’t shake.

Jen sensed my frustration and said something wonderful to me as I was leaving the studio. She said, “tomorrow’s a new day Karen.” She knew I was struggling today, and her words meant a lot to me. She’s on the challenge too. We’re all in it together. I remember the first week or so of my last challenge. I remember having these same issues. It gets hard, then harder, then easier, then harder, then it’s over.

One day at a time.