I did something to my body yesterday in yoga class. Something, something.. no idea what exactly.

I have these days where I do a lot in a day. Many times I teach two classes, I will practice a yoga class, and even train once (or even twice) with my budo teacher. I consider it amazing that I am fit, well and capable enough to do that much. Some see it as crazy, insane, even nutty. You’ve done what today? For me, it just is the practice. The practice of teaching, the practice of practice, the practice of training. I differentiate between practice (yoga) and training (budo) simply for clarity’s sake. Ultimately, it is all practice. Practice practice practice.

I’m a firm believer in do. Do what you can do. What you cannot do, you strive for. But what happens when you cannot do because your body says no? The most obvious answer is that we stop, rest, recuperate and come back slowly.

I’m not good at resting. I’m not good at stopping. I’m not good at slowing down.

As I sit here typing, thinking of my day with no yoga, no budo, no exercise or practice other than putting away laundry and tidying up the house, I feel like I have not done today. I have not pushed myself. Or have I? Is the inability to do, and the requirement to not do, my practice? In theory this should also work in the reverse, right?

I’m trying to see it that way.

Having pain in my body, of any sort, is not overly alarming to me. I know the difference, quite well, between injurious (bad) pain and irritation and sensation from hard work. I know when my back aches whether it’s going to hurt for a day or two or a month. I’ve experience both ends.

I’m not afraid of whatever thing has happened in my body. I’m not really worried that I’ll be immobilized or in pain for an extended time. No, I’ll get a massage tomorrow, take a very gentle class, use the steam room, take hot baths, and continue on with my life.

The anxiety for me lies in the desire to keep pushing. I want to train hard, practice hard, and push forward. But I cannot do that. I have to back off. I have to exercise enough humility to know enough is enough. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week.

That’s my practice for now – to not do.

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Taking the fall…

December 5, 2009

This is a blog about budo, not yoga..

I stand five feet and seven inches above the surface of the earth. I’m not that tall by most standards. Average height. The ground is not so far away. Or so I thought.

My mind is consumed lately with the idea of falling. I am learning to fall, slowly, with my sensei. I am learning that the most important thing is to put my chin on my chest. I am learning that you can either control how or when you fall – but never both. I am learning that falling is not so scary. I am also learning that falling can take your breath away. I am learning that falling is an art as much as the intricate kata that I am studying.

When I began my budo training nearly eight months ago, I knew that I would learn to fall eventually. I studied with my teacher, sort of rejoicing that we spent almost five solid months learning other things besides Newton’s 3rd Law. But I knew it was coming. My friend joked with me that everything would change and my perception of the art would be altered when I started facing my body going down to the ground. He was right.

Falling is a different world.

I tell my yoga students that one of our most primal human fears is falling over backwards. We spend a great deal of our time controlling our falling. Walking, afterall, is just graceful, controlled falling. We see kids fall, see babies fall, see leaves fall. And we all avoid it.

Several weeks ago sensei pulled out the mat and said now we fall. I was anxious, but trusted that, like everything else he had taught me, this too would be paced and I would learn it gradually. I have learned a few falls. First, a backward fall. Then the forward rolling, and most recently a side fall. I’m still finding my way with all of these different falls.

I watch my teacher toss himself over on the mat so beautifully. It’s wonderfully graceful and he always comes out so nicely. I remember the first time I saw him take the otoshi (forward roll). I thought surely he did not expect me to do that. Oh, right, he does. Of course. We started with the backfall, which is still our mainstay. For some reason in practice, the backfall does not spook me. But in application when I am actually being thrown, I often grab desperately for my teacher’s keikogi, his wrist, his back, anything I can find. I curl up like a cat. Oh god, the ground, where is it?? My mind screams, and down I go. I am getting better at these and have even enjoyed them a bit recently. But you really cannot explain or understand this until it’s your body going down, carrying that veritable wrecking ball of your teacher’s body drop. You really have no idea what your body and mind will do. Hopefully, with good training, you’ll tuck your chin and go down, keeping the arms extended in front. You might even get a good slap. But all the while, even with proper execution, the monkey brain can be screaming NO NO NO!!! Or at least, that’s what they tell me.

I’ve experienced good and bad falls. Thankfully, none have been injurious. I’ve come away with a sore neck and some sore shoulders. But overall, the falls aren’t that bad. Recently my teacher threw me on a fall I’ve been bailing out of so fast I had no time to even try to bail out. There’s learning all around.

I’m learning to face some of my fears. Falling is giving me the courage to throw my uke with authority, execute the technique with a little confidence, and even face the unknown.

I know in my head how far I am from the ground (or mat). I know how to fall, from a technical standpoint. I know how to move and what to do. The next step is to get my mind to stop working, stop analyzing, and just take the fall.

I wrote this post for a site that I have been contributing to called YogaBudo.  Please wander over there and see some of the other things I have been writing.

I took (yoga) class this afternoon at 12.  It was a great class, with one of my very favorite teachers.  I wasn’t sure how it would go seeing as how I’ve been fairly exhausted lately.  But Tuesdays are my day off and I was determined to get on the mat.  I slept better last night than I have in weeks and woke feeling more rested than I have in a very long time.  So, the noon class seemed like the best choice for me.  I was rested, dressed and ready.

I got to the studio, got my mat, water, towels and went in the room.

Hello heat, hello dizzy!!  Why am I so dizzy?  Only breathing?  Ha!  Wow, Roy looks so tan.  I need to go to Spain.  No NO NO Focus!!!  Half Moon, ahhhhhh.  I am the queen of the backbend.  I can do any backbend any time I want.  Oh wait, not the forward bend.  OUCH OUCH OUCH!!  Hamstrings, I hate you.  Warm up, Balance.  Kick out, hold it.  Lock the knee.  Why did I wear these shorts?  No no NO FOCUS!!!!  Touch it, touch it!!  Touch the forehead, now the top of the head.  Man, I used to not be able to do this.  I am super yogini.  I am the awesomest.  I love you Triangle, I hate you Triangle.. Toe stand.  Snap, crackle, pop. Right knee not cooperating.  Forget it.  Just do the posture, no don’t do the posture, where is my balance?  Change, sweat, water, breathe.  Mmmmm, water. Floor…

Spine, so stiff.  Not the queen of the backbend anymore.  Stupid Cobra pose.  More heat.  Why is it so hot?  Sweat sweat sweat.  Bow pose.  Balance on the hipbones?  Is she serious?  I wonder when LOST comes on again.  Oh look, water break.  Mmmmm  water.  oh.. maybe not.  No water, nasuea.  Ugh, I know better.  Almost there, can do it.  CAN DO IT.  I would marry you all over again, Camel.  I am super yogini..  WILL NOT skip Rabbit.  WILL NOT.  Ouch, neck is stiff.  Shoulders, so stiff.  Must do the posture.  Did it get hotter? Oh wait, I feel cool air.  Stretch, twist..  Breathe.  Water..  Done.

Focus, I ain’t got it.