Day 51: Introspection

July 21, 2008

I had a nice calm class this morning. Nice and hot, perfect. Sheila taught, she’s amazing.

A friend asked me today if I’ve been taking care of myself since I’ve been pounding out all this yoga. I told him I have been taking good care and that not only did I feel amazing, but I felt the best I’ve felt in ages. Also, that I was the healthiest I’ve ever been. This is so true. I’ve been through so many changes the past few months and weeks sometimes it’s hard to nail them all down. But the overall picture of what’s going on with me physically, emotionally, and mentally is unbelievable.

When I look back at all that I’ve done and all the changes I’ve made I am forced to give pause to believing that this is all me. I am not alone in this endeavor. Nor am I alone in facing the challenges that lie ahead for me in Training. Another dear sweet friend Chan said that there will surely come a day when all those hands supporting me now will be carrying me. And that it will be in those times that I feel the most love and support.

But even with all the support; even with the hands carrying me through this process, the Challenge, Training, even just the day to day; I am reminded of another friend who says to me regularly that ultimately I alone must still do the work. Only I can do it. Those hands, those friends, my family, all beautiful and wonderful. All are vital and supportive and amazing. But at the end of the day, it’s me and the mat. I have to go through this to get to the other side.

I don’t know for sure what will happen in the next few weeks as I get ready for Training. I don’t know what it will feel like to flesh out the rest of these last weeks at home. I don’t know what it will feel like to finish my 90 days. The only thing I know is that each day I wake up I am grateful, humbled, and amazed. This is the person I’ve always wanted to be. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Namaste.

I’m probably not going to write much today about the Challenge. But even still, this entry is about yoga, my Challenge, and my journey towards Teacher Training.

I realized something really powerful today. Maybe it’s something I knew all along. It’s certainly something that’s been there all along. But just today, I finally saw it. BYTW has become my safety net, my family, my home. Perhaps I’ve said it before. But today, I write this on purpose. I hope Jen and Arnie see this, read it, and know just how much I appreciate them. I hope they understand what an amazing place they’ve created and know just how deeply thankful I am.

It’s one thing to dream about doing something and pursue it. Maybe you have support, maybe you don’t. It’s tough to do that, especially something like Bikram Teacher Training. But having an entire support system behind you makes the journey so much better.

All those years ago, when I started learning about this yoga, I was curious. Teaching… Teaching was something for those super yogis and yoginis who had been at the yoga for years. Years, and years. I never really thought I would ever fall into that category. I never saw myself maturing into the kind of student who was ready to take the reins and lead a class. But over the past year or so, the dream has come to the forefront for me. I love this yoga. I believe in it. I believe in what it can do and how it can heal. I believe in all the ways it has changed my life and I honestly see no other logical next step for me but to teach it.

I recall earlier this year, at the “New Year’s” party (in late January) we had to celebrate the Challenge from last Fall, mentioning to Jen that I was interested in going. I remember thinking for SURE she’d say, “one day, Karen, when you’re ready..” I remember thinking for sure she would not be supportive of me going anytime soon. But she was ecstatic. And though I truly believe I was nowhere near ready then, I was humbled by her enthusiasm. Now here I am, five months later, ready.

The truth is that this entire journey really requires this kind of support. At least for me. I’m not sure if I am more needy than most. But I sure do appreciate it. It’s one of the main reasons I believe I can do it. The support I have from Arnie and Jen, the support I have from my family, friends. It’s all part of an intricate web that is sewn in around me.

So, when I go to Training in the Spring, I will be ready. I will be ready because of the amazing people I have sending me off. I will be ready because I am so blessed by all the people who believe in me. I will be ready because of this support system. And I will go, completely thankful.