November 26, 2009
Bikram yogis like to think of themselves as the workers, the pushers, the knee-lockers. We are the ones who sweat and sweat and sweat. We endure the heat, push our bodies to bend, and breathe in spite of our pounding hearts. We are rarely (if ever) seen as “Spiritual Yogis” and rarely do we label ourselves as such. Bikram himself says, “you are not ready for that kind of yoga. First you must discipline the body and mind, only then can you reach the spirit.”
This morning as I was practicing my yoga, on a holiday, sweating and bending, struggling through my little pains and my big pains – I thought about this. How can this not be spiritual? There is no other single activity I have devoted more of my time to on this earth than Bikram Yoga. I have practiced longer than I have been married or been a mother. Perhaps the only other activity that would come close is my own personal spiritual observances: prayer, reading, meditating. But in the recent months and years, as my life has shifted over to what it is now, the Spiritual Karen and the Yogini Karen are becoming harder to distinguish between daily.
I recently passed my one year anniversary of teaching. When I asked the boss lady how many classes I had taught in my first year she gave me a number that stunned me. 425. Four hundred and twenty five classes since I returned from Teacher Training. That’s a lot of hours of teaching. And not teaching alone, but in addition, I practiced another 242 classes in that year. That’s a lot of time, or dare I say, devotion?? Funny enough, that’s just at one thousand hours in the hot room in a single year, forty one solid days.
So, is it devotion? Is all this time a spiritual thing? Or, am I just addicted? To be fair, it could be both. I have benefited more from this practice health-wise than any other thing I’ve done. It’s helped me in immeasurable ways to be stronger, healthier, happier and more positive. But it has also served to center me, give me courage, teach me about my limits and help me through incredible emotional battles. There are days when I need to be on the mat, simply because it is my sanity. I crave it, I need it, I have to have it.
I do believe you can find spirituality through the physical practice of yoga. I believe one can find God in the struggle of the hot room just as easily as they can find God in a temple or on top of a mountain. Our bodies are not only connected to our spirits, but they are infused with our spirit. Move your body and the heart moves, the spirit wakes up and the search begins. The courage it takes to hold on in a posture can connect you deeply to the courage required to deal with the junk that plagues our lives.
What I am left with are three basic things. Practice. Discipline. Commitment. If you break them down individually, they are all virtuous qualities. But ultimately one leads to the other, which leads to the third. Without the practice, the discipline fades, without the commitment, the discipline is empty. And on it goes. It becomes a circle.
I have learned a few Yoga Mudras, different devotional chants. I even have a tattoo of the Om symbol on my wrist. I believe in the power of the spiritual devotion required to maintain a demanding physical yoga practice. I believe that God can be found in the hot little orange room, and that ultimately the spirit can be fed through the intense refinement of Bikram Yoga. I believe that sweating can be as purifying as praying (at times) and that each has a distinct place. I also believe that everyone must find their way to their own “mat” in life. Spirituality is deeply personal, as it should be.
I truly believe that this yoga practice really is spiritual. The ninety minutes, while purely physical effort to the naked eye, is as spiritual for me as anything can be. Many come to the hot room to heal their knees, fix their sore backs or lose a little weight. Many also come with depression, anger and hurts from their lives, just as I did. And they come to find that it is the process of healing their knees, fixing their backs and trimming their waistlines that brings them out of the haze of their personal pain.
There are no clear defining lines in any form of yoga that tell us where the physical ends and the spiritual begins. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. All I really know for sure is that journey is worth it.
January 5, 2009
I was at the studio this morning, after teaching the 5:30 am class, and was trying to decide whether I wanted to use my spare hour to do yoga alone or go get coffee. I struggled for a short moment. I wanted to think, to be quiet, and to be alone. So the question stood whether I wanted that in the form of a little sweat and stretching, or in a cup of milk and caffeine. I stood there in front of my packed bag of clothes, looking at the shorts and top I had brought along for my “solo yoga”, and decided the yoga was better than the caffeine. So I dressed, grabbed a mat and towel, and headed back into the hot room.
This doing yoga alone thing is kind of a new ritual for me. Today is my second time to do it. When I teach early, then stay to teach the 9:30 am class, I have a gap of time. Prior to this new ritual, I would spend that hour or so eating breakfast and inhaling coffee. But given my new career, I’ve found that my body needs more yoga time. That empty hour or so was the perfect opportunity. I’m already at the studio, I have access to the room, and I like to do yoga alone. It’s something I miss from time to time. I started doing Bikram alone in my apartment in Colorado nearly nine years ago. It’s kind of interesting now, all this time later, to once again practice alone. Now I have one of the best heating systems around available to me, a huge open studio, and plenty of mirrors. It’s quite the contrast to the way I started out, but I’ll take it. It’s nice.
Today as I stood in front of the mirror, I was critical of myself. Too tired, Karen. Not enough yoga lately, Karen. You need to work on your posture, Karen. These shorts look awful on you, Karen… Blah Blah Blah. It’s interesting that I spend a great deal of my time when I teach encouraging my students to let these things go. I tell them, Meet your own eyes in the mirror. Face yourself. Let it go. I could learn from my own words. Maybe we teach the things that we really need to learn first. I dunno. But I did it, I started. Breathe, breathe, breathe.. Inhale, exhale. Again. I did my hybrid Advanced Class/Beginning Class warm up. I did my Salutes, my backbends, and I worked. I didn’t feel particularly excited to be practicing. The humidity was low in the room and I felt dry. I had fairly shaky balance, my legs giving way as I worked on head to knee pose, my body not wanting to bend the way I wanted. It was there that I was taken back to the Training room in Acapulco.
It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Training. I went through a time when I got home of thinking about Training constantly. Part of me wanted nothing more than to get back on the plane and go back. Those formative nine weeks changed me forever. The further I get from Graduation, the less I really want to go back. Being home is better, and I know it. Nobody is meant to live in that situation long term. Teacher Training was but for a season and that’s OK. But there are days when I’m taken back to that hot room and it all comes rushing back. Today was one of those days.
I remember those nine weeks as a very complex emotional journey. I spent the time separated from all of my friends and family here at home. But during that time I built up a new support system. I took care of me for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t fun or easy or particularly comfortable at times. In fact, there were times that were painful and I wanted out. But the time passed and looking back, I have no regrets.
I read a note that a friend of mine from Training wrote today on her Facebook page. She said that we leave such an intense season of change to return home where we require a season of rest. Our hearts, minds, spirits, and bodies must recuperate from the intense therapy we have given them. (my interpretation) I agree with her. When I came home, I was spent. My body was irritated and creaky. Over 100 Bikram classes in nine weeks left me sore and weary. But now, a little less than two months out, now that I have rested a bit, I feel much better. Some days I still feel like I am recovering. There are times that I practice and my body complains. There are times when I feel like I’m back in that hot room in Mexico, and I feel sentimental all over again.
The physical recovery is only one side, though. Physically Training was very demanding, exhausting, and difficult. But that’s only one part of it. Emotionally and Spiritually I feel changed as well. And maybe that’s really where the recovery is happening now. The body, the most acute need, had to recover first. Now the mind, spirit, heart, and soul can have some time to breathe. As I stood on my mat alone today, I wondered at all the things that I’d been through. It seemed petty and small to feel so frustrated with my inability to hold my posture in that moment. I remembered the early days of Training when that posture wasn’t even happening for me at all. How far I have come indeed.
But in the yoga room, and in my life anyway, I completely believe body and mind are intricately connected. When the body hurts, or even reaches new depths, the mind and spirit react. Yo-ga. Union. Hatha: Ha (sun) tha (moon). Opposites. Union, togetherness. All connected, and all the same. Just as there is no *perfect* posture, there is no right or wrong emotion on the mat. It is what it is. This is perhaps one of my great lessons from Training. Just letting it be. If I am happy, or if I feel pain, if I celebrate holding my head on my knee, or if I whine because my back aches – it’s all the same. Yoga, uniting, bringing together the mind and the body.
I will keep looking inward on my way as I practice. I will have many more mornings in that room alone, I hope. Maybe I’ll pick up some more insights. I will continue to allow my soul, body, and spirit to rest and recuperate. As Sean reminds me, I will continue to respect myself and afford myself a little kindness and balance. I will continue to appreciate the lessons learned in Training, and continue to be thankful for the work that was done.
September 16, 2008
This will likely be pretty brief. I’m very tired and want to curl up on my bed and study.
So, wow, so much to write and impossible to fit it all in. Yesterday we started with orientation, followed by a welcome dinner. It was all very nice. We met the staff, got signed in, given the down low on rules and shuffled off to bed. This morning was a late morning with more orientation, and then we met Bikram. He talked to us for about an hour. So much about Bikram, far more than I can say here. I am sure as the weeks go on, I will have a lot to say. He’s immediately engaging, outrageous, and hilarious. We then had lunch, another session of more orientation and then a break to prepare for class.
They’ve been telling us, “take it easy honey.” The first week is NOT about killing yourself or proving yourself to anyone. The first week is about not passing out and acclimating to the overwhelming humidity, the room, the heat, and the new environment. That said, I can see now why they warn us so much. It’s hard to not push and not want to go for it. But I did take it easy tonight and I’m glad. By about Standing Bow my body had taken over that decision and I was taking small breaks. I had some shaky legs, some nausea, and LOTS of dizziness. Nothing that forced me to leave my mat or anything like that, but not very fun either. The Standing Series was much harder for me than the Floor Series. I got very discouraged and thought many many times to myself, “I can’t do this! Why am I here?? What was I thinking??” By Savasana (midpoint rest) I was crying. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream, I wanted OUT OF THE FUCKING ROOM!!! But I didn’t go, I stayed, and I was glad for it. The room is so big, and so overwhelming. Just staring at the ceiling tiles can make you feel like you are going to fall over. I didn’t, but I felt like I might. Ahhh my FIRST breakdown, YAYYYY it’s OVER! But somewhere around Locust I was fine, happy, laughing at the Boss man, doing both sets. I finished class fine, and was smiling by the end. I even had water left in my bottle.
I’m going to be fine. I am.
I stayed in the room. Right? Goal number one. I stayed in the room.
Anyway, I’ve been a little up and a little down today. Raj said last night everyone experiences the breakdown, everyone will have this happen. Some will have it now, some will have it in the middle, some will have it later. Some will have it the whole time. I miss my family. I miss them so much, and have no idea how they’re doing with this horrible situation in Houston. I can’t get to them, I can’t. It’s maddening.
But, I am here. I am here and the only way I can bere here is to just be here. They’ve been telling us to just be here. Be here now. I’m trying.
Tomorrow morning starts with another class with Bikram. I’m looking forward to having a real day here with two full classes and posture clinic. I am itching to give my dialogue for Half Moon. Get it over with!!!
I will write again as I can. Love to you all.
Here’s a quick look at the room tonight just before class.
August 7, 2008
Well kiddies, I went back for a double tonight. It was a great great class. I struggled in Triangle a little, with my feet literally slipping out from under me. coughthecarpetwaswetfrombeingcleanedcough… Uhhh.. Not that it should matter. But they were really.. slipping… out from under me.
SO! Onwards and upwards!
Hi, my name is Karen, and I sweat like a MAN! And no, not just any man, a SWEATY MAN! Thanks, yes, I’ll stay away now. Woweeee did I sweat tonight. I don’t usually like to wax philosophical about sweat but OMGHOLYMOLY did it pour off of me tonight. See and here’s the thing, I actually like it. Yes, yes.. I do. I LIKE it. I like the way it feels to flush my body hardcore and when it’s over I feel brand new, my skin literally glowing. So I’ve had TWO very very sweaty classes today and I’m just way too happy about the amount of sweating I did, apparently.
Forgive me, I’m a little loopy. It’s late, I need to eat, and oh yeah I just might be high on yoga. Might be. Stay tuned.
Oh and the backbend. Well… I have to say, not as awesome as earlier today. But I did feel I could breathe deeper and stay longer. So, there’s progress.
I will see you party people tomorrow.
August 7, 2008
Well, first of all, I am not sore. I went to bed SO incredibly sore I was near weeping when I pulled my aching frame under the sheets. But something happened between 11 pm and 7 am and I woke up with zero soreness anywhere. Really. I was so done with it yesterday evening that I told myself that if I woke up feeling stiff again, I was taking a day off. Nothing, not even a tight hamstring today. This yoga works, believe it.
Arnie taught 9:30 today. I haven’t been in that class in a while, but I love it. There’s so much energy in the room. There are a lot of “regulars” there every day. I took my new favorite spot and had a good class. It was HUMID to the max and my body moved well. I am thinking maybe taking it easy on myself yesterday paid off today. I was able to work a bit deeper than I have in a few days. Anyhow, boy was it a long one. Arnie taught a one hour, 49 minute class. I was feeling it by the end. I had a hard time in the first set of Ustrasana and ended flat on my back for fear of blacking out. I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t especially overheated or nauseas. But I couldn’t get myself even into the setup without the room seeming to spin. Second set was awesome and I felt that really killer stretch all the way up and down my body. So good.
So, since I’m always looking to educate myself further about my practice, this yoga, and all things Bikram, I have a special thanks to give today. Social networks are amazing things. Blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace – they all bring us closer together. I think the Bikram world especially is tight in the virtual world. And since I never pass up an opportunity to live my life on the web, I really love it. I had the amazing opportunity recently to “converse” with Mary Jarvis on Facebook. Mary is the founder and owner of Global Yoga San Francisco. She is also a deeply respected name in the Bikram world. Mary offered me some fresh insights into my backbends. Since the Challenge began I have had a love/hate relationship with all things backward bending. But recently I’ve been having some discouragement and frustration with my backbends. Since Mary is all about the backbends I asked her for her insights. She gave them to me. My life and my spine will never be the same. Mary encouraged me to try some new things, do a few things differently and GO FOR IT!!!! I’ve been working on it. Today I finally felt it in the third part of Half Moon. I finally felt the zen of the backbend. I’ve heard about it. I’ve read about it. I’ve wished for it. Today I got it. And yes, Mary, I did squeeze the shit out of my hands! So, Mary, thank you. Thanks for encouraging and instructing, even from far away. You are a legend, and I long to meet you one day. Eventually, in the future. 😉
I’m considering a double today. I’ll keep you posted.
July 24, 2008
This will be brief as I am super tired.
I did another double today and loved it. I am feeling strong! I was surprised, though, that I sat out a half set of Triangle tonight (something I haven’t done in a long time) in my second class because I just could not get my heart rate in check. No judgment, of course, just a little surprised.
Oh the HEAT today. I LOVED it and relished it. My morning class was hot hot and my evening class was WET! Both were great and I am feeling much better about dealing with the heat and humidity. I was struggling with it earlier in the Challenge, if you recall 😉
I am off to bed now to rest. Only a few hours to sleep before I get up and do this all again. I’ll try to get a longer, more thoughtful blog tomorrow.