I’m having a sort of off day.

I was sick for a while. I lost my voice, got sick, then got better. Then I got really sick again, then I got well. I hit bottom on Sunday evening when I just couldn’t talk anymore. The pain in my throat had gotten to critical level. I was sick, really sick. I proceeded to – as all enlightened, health-conscious yoga teachers do – drug myself. I rarely take medicine, let alone hardcore nighttime cold medicine.   But there I was, late that evening, standing in the cold and flue medicine aisle at the store.  I wanted the kind of relief that would put me so far to sleep I wouldn’t care how badly my throat hurt.  I got it.  I took that blue liquid and no more than 20 minutes later was as high as a kite.  No lie, I was done for.  You know how those packages say, Never operate machinery while using this medicine?  I now know why.  I barely made it up the stairs to my bed.  Dave must have covered me.  I slept very soundly for five hours.

Then I woke up.

The throat that was sore when I went to sleep now felt like razor blades had been forced down it.  If miserable sore throat were a condition warranting immediate medical care, I would have gone to the ER.  It was that bad.  I woke up crying, begging for relief.  I woke up Dave, who dutifully went down to the kitchen and got my Cepacol and crack Tylenol Severe Chest Cold Nighttime.  The Cepacol made my throat burn, it did nothing for the pain.  I took the Tylenol, prayed to God for mercy, and tried to go back to sleep.  It was a rough few days.

Then I woke up, and I felt human again.  It got worse before it got better.  I coughed, I moaned, I groaned.  I had no voice, nothing.  But it got better.

That was two weeks ago.  My voice is completely back.  YAY!  But as things go, I’m starting to feel, well..  off. I’ve been practicing more, trying to get in more classes with the teaching schedule.  It’s good.  I just don’t know what’s up with me.

As a student of yoga, and as a yoga teacher, I know that the mind and body are one.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.  My practice has been bringing up some emotional issues.  As I deal with those, sometimes setting them aside for a time, sometimes not, I find my body reacts.  I’m betting that these aching shoulders and tight hips are more than just surface issues.  So why am I so stubborn?  Why can’t I just rest and let myself recover, heal, and restore?  Why do I keep gnawing at myself day after day?

My body is telling me something.  I don’t need another bad chest cold to get my attention.  I don’t need to lose my voice again to understand that the energy in my body is moving differently.  What I need is to go back to yoga preschool.  I need to work a little slower on my mat, give myself some room to breathe, and relax.  I need to (as per the usual) heed the words I tell my students.  I need to take care of me.

I’ve written before about learning this delicate balance.  Teaching Bikram Yoga can be an exhausting job.  It’s hours in the hot room, sweating, and talking non-stop..  On the other side of that, there’s the emotional expenditure.  I walk in and very carefully encourage my students, I use the energy in the room, I try to discern how to best teach, how to motivate, when to push, and when to give compassion.  Often it’s the latter that wears me out the most.  We tell beginners and experienced students the same thing.  Every day is different, every practice is different.  Be kind to yourself and breathe.

I still need to learn these lessons.

So take me back to preschool.  I hear they have snacks.

Looking inward.

January 5, 2009

I was at the studio this morning, after teaching the 5:30 am class, and was trying to decide whether I wanted to use my spare hour to do yoga alone or go get coffee.  I struggled for a short moment.  I wanted to think, to be quiet, and to be alone.  So the question stood whether I wanted that in the form of a little sweat and stretching, or in a cup of milk and caffeine.  I stood there in front of my packed bag of clothes, looking at the shorts and top I had brought along for my “solo yoga”, and decided the yoga was better than the caffeine.  So I dressed, grabbed a mat and towel, and headed back into the hot room.

This doing yoga alone thing is kind of a new ritual for me.  Today is my second time to do it.  When I teach early, then stay to teach the 9:30 am class, I have a gap of time.  Prior to this new ritual, I would spend that hour or so eating breakfast and inhaling coffee.  But given my new career, I’ve found that my body needs more yoga time.  That empty hour or so was the perfect opportunity.  I’m already at the studio, I have access to the room, and I like to do yoga alone.  It’s something I miss from time to time.  I started doing Bikram alone in my apartment in Colorado nearly nine years ago.  It’s kind of interesting now, all this time later, to once again practice alone.  Now I have one of the best heating systems around available to me, a huge open studio, and plenty of mirrors.  It’s quite the contrast to the way I started out, but I’ll take it.  It’s nice.

Today as I stood in front of the mirror, I was critical of myself.  Too tired, Karen.  Not enough yoga lately, Karen.  You need to work on your posture, Karen.  These shorts look awful on you, Karen…  Blah Blah Blah. It’s interesting that I spend a great deal of my time when I teach encouraging my students to let these things go.  I tell them, Meet your own eyes in the mirror.  Face yourself.  Let it go. I could learn from my own words.  Maybe we teach the things that we really need to learn first.  I dunno.  But I did it, I started.  Breathe, breathe, breathe..  Inhale, exhale.  Again.  I did my hybrid Advanced Class/Beginning Class warm up.  I did my Salutes, my backbends, and I worked.  I didn’t feel particularly excited to be practicing.  The humidity was low in the room and I felt dry.  I had fairly shaky balance, my legs giving way as I worked on head to knee pose, my body not wanting to bend the way I wanted.  It was there that I was taken back to the Training room in Acapulco.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Training.  I went through a time when I got home of thinking about Training constantly.  Part of me wanted nothing more than to get back on the plane and go back.  Those formative nine weeks changed me forever.  The further I get from Graduation, the less I really want to go back.  Being home is better, and I know it.  Nobody is meant to live in that situation long term.  Teacher Training was but for a season and that’s OK.  But there are days when I’m taken back to that hot room and it all comes rushing back.  Today was one of those days.

I remember those nine weeks as a very complex emotional journey.  I spent the time separated from all of my friends and family here at home.  But during that time I built up a new support system.  I took care of me for the first time in a long time.  It wasn’t fun or easy or particularly comfortable at times.  In fact, there were times that were painful and I wanted out.  But the time passed and looking back, I have no regrets.

I read a note that a friend of mine from Training wrote today on her Facebook page.  She said that we leave such an intense season of change to return home where we require a season of rest.  Our hearts, minds, spirits, and bodies must recuperate from the intense therapy we have given them.  (my interpretation)  I agree with her.  When I came home, I was spent.  My body was irritated and creaky.  Over 100 Bikram classes in nine weeks left me sore and weary.  But now, a little less than two months out, now that I have rested a bit, I feel much better.  Some days I still feel like I am recovering.  There are times that I practice and my body complains.  There are times when I feel like I’m back in that hot room in Mexico, and I feel sentimental all over again.

The physical recovery is only one side, though.  Physically Training was very demanding, exhausting, and difficult.  But that’s only one part of it.  Emotionally and Spiritually I feel changed as well.  And maybe that’s really where the recovery is happening now.  The body, the most acute need, had to recover first.  Now the mind, spirit, heart, and soul can have some time to breathe.  As I stood on my mat alone today, I wondered at all the things that I’d been through.  It seemed petty and small to feel so frustrated with my inability to hold my posture in that moment.  I remembered the early days of Training when that posture wasn’t even happening for me at all.  How far I have come indeed.

But in the yoga room, and in my life anyway, I completely believe body and mind are intricately connected.  When the body hurts, or even reaches new depths, the mind and spirit react.  Yo-ga.  Union.  Hatha:  Ha (sun) tha (moon).  Opposites.  Union, togetherness.  All connected, and all the same.  Just as there is no *perfect* posture, there is no right or wrong emotion on the mat.  It is what it is.  This is perhaps one of my great lessons from Training.  Just letting it be.  If I am happy, or if I feel pain, if I celebrate holding my head on my knee, or if I whine because my back aches – it’s all the same.  Yoga, uniting, bringing together the mind and the body.

I will keep looking inward on my way as I practice.  I will have many more mornings in that room alone, I hope.  Maybe I’ll pick up some more insights.  I will continue to allow my soul, body, and spirit to rest and recuperate.  As Sean reminds me, I will continue to respect myself and afford myself a little kindness and balance.  I will continue to appreciate the lessons learned in Training, and continue to be thankful for the work that was done.

Namaste.

Midpoint ponderings.

October 20, 2008

Wow, well I am really over halfway done with Training.  But I didn’t have time to really write much this week, so I’m catching up now.  Thanks to all of you who have stopped by to see the pictures.  I wish I could have gotten them up sooner.  But they’re up now, and as you can see, this place is pretty amazing.

So, thoughts on Teacher Training from the midpoint…  Wow, what a ride.  I say it over and over and over and over, but wow..  what a ride.  If I think back to the day I left Houston to come here I can hardly believe all that I’ve been through.  Getting here was such a big deal, and then the hurricane hit.  It was a whirlwind for about two weeks.  Training started and the madness ensued.

I remember a lot of it.  I remember Orientation, meeting the staff, the welcome dinner.  I remember that FIRST CLASS.  I remember meeting Bikram.  It all feels like a year ago.  But really, it’s only been five weeks, so much time and yet so little.  I remember how anxiously we all navigated around one another for the first week or so.  I remember the rough transition into the heat of the yoga room, the adjustment to the humidity, and finidng ways to cope with the class.  I remember thinking I was starting over like a brand new baby with my practice.  I remember feeling like I was going to die, wanting to die, and hoping I would die so they would have to carry me out.  But I also remember feeling better and laughing at Bikram’s hilarious commentery in class.  I remember when my body said, “thank you” and worked harder for me.  I remember the glee of making it through without sitting out a single posture for the first time.  I remember thinking I’ve never worked harder in my life for anything.  I remember thinking I’d make it afterall, then the next day not being so sure.  I remember crying through more classes than I can count.  I remember all the compassionate arm squeezes, handfulls of ice, and “are you ok’s??”  I remember giving up on trying to figure out why I was crying, and feeling so free.  I remember the first Posture Clinic with Boss.  I remember nailing my dialogue one day, then struggling the next. I remember ANATOMY with NO BOOKS!!  I remember my first LATE night with a Bollywood movie.  I remember wanting to scream I was so tired, but having nowhere to go.  I remember the ache that finally subsided from missing my kids and my husband so much.  I remember the day I accepted that I was supposed to be here.

And now here I am, about to being week six, a new person.  This is not the body that flew to Mexico so many weeks ago.  It’s not the same brain or the same heart.  I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do.  But being here, at the crossroads, just over the mountaintop – is really, really, really awesome.

If I look back at those goals that I set for myself the first night in Acapulco, I can honestly say I’ve really accomplished most of them.  I’ve given my full effort to this experience.  And, I’ve NEVER left my mat.  All of those little victories are adding up to what I hope will be the start of my new life teaching.  But, I’ve still four weeks ahead.

So, in celebration of this landmark, I’ve decided to write a Thankful list.  I used to do these a lot on my other blog.  I think it’s only fitting, seeing as how I have so much to be thankful for.  So here goes.

Things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here.
I am thankful for this yoga.
I am thankful for my husband and family.
I am thankful for so many people who believe in me.
I am thankful for my studio at home.
I am thankful that Training is halfway finished.
I am thankful for my amazing friends.
I am thankful for my roommate.
I am thankful for the staff here.
I am thankful for this beautiful place that I get to call home.
I am thankful to be able to be included in this amazing group of people.
I am thankful that I *can* do this.
I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for water, salt, and sleep.
I am thankful for my ipod.
I am thankful for all the shorts I brought with me.
I am thankful for my water bottles and my insulated bottle sleeves.
I am thankful for my watch.
I am thankful for caffeine, crackers, and chewing gum.
I am thankful for blogging, and having the internet.
I am thankful for my Posture Clinic group.
I am thankful that the weekend is always coming.
I am thankful for the pool.
I am thankful that I can buy a new yoga mat because I killed the first one.
I am thankful that I don’t have to wash my own towels.
I am thankful for my maid, the lunch buffet, and the ICE MACHINE!!!
I am thankful for candy.  Yes, really.  Candy, especially caramels.
I am thankful for the van that carries me to the grocery store every Saturday.
I am thankful for my small, laminated, dialogue that has been through so much.
I am thankful for my alarm clock.
I am thankful for my bed.
I am thankful that I get Sunday off.
and yes..  I am thankful for Bikram.

I could probably go on and on.  But I think that should do it for now.

This week should be interesting.  We are supposed to have some great lectures this week with Rajashree.  I am looking forward to seeing her happy smiling face again!  As always, more YOGA, and more POSTURE CLINIC!!!  My dialogue is going really well and I only have TWO more postures to learn.  WOW.  I worked really hard this weekend to get through a bunch.  It is nice to know I am almost done.

As always, my love to you all.  Here’s to four more weeks!

Namaste.

OK so I owe you guys a TON of pictures.  Here we go.  In no real particular order.  Enjoy!!  *if you click them, they get bigger..*

My very first class, and YES it was THAT hot..

The first night we watched a movie with Boss.  YES, I am wearing a scarf and sweater.. I also had a blanket.  YES, I fell asleep.  It was realllly late.

Half Moon Posture clinic.  I was in line waiting to go.

The Spa..  So wonderful.

Renee, Jane, and I at the spa.

Fun in the van on the way to Walmart.

Shakti Laundry.  It happens.

In the lecture hall.

I don’t know why I have this random picture of Andrés.  But hey, here you go.  I think we were all trying to stay awake in lecture.

Hotel beauty..  Yeah, it’s paradise.

Mafrita!!!  My amazing roomie.  We discovered we were wearing EXACTLY the same thing to bed one night.  Aye….  yes, we are odd.

Back when I used to take ice into class.  I don’t anymore..  Too much work!

Meah catches a nap in Posture Clinic.

GROUP 16!!!!!  Clearly the COOLEST kids in the whole place..

Going out with the girls.  Jane, Me, Briah (Bree-Uh)

Our outing to Aca..  Renee, me, Briah.

Todd’s amazing artwork/dialogue.

Adorable Robert from Holland, teaching Toe Stand with this WHOLE BODY.

My drawer full of yoga duds..

Returned to my room after Boss’s lecture to find a cake from Dave on our Anniversary.  I ate the WHOLE thing at 12:30 in the morning.  SO GOOOOOD!!!!

Posture Clinic..  all day, every day..

Aye CARUMBA!!  Mauricio, my boyfriend..  (eh, no.. not really)..  But hey, he DOES smell pretty good 😉  Please note the tiger shorts.  MUCHO CALIENTE!!!

Milling about in the yoga room before class starts.

A room full of tortoises.

I can’t believe I’m this happy before Camel.  But yeah, I am.  Today, end of week Five.  Right before second set of Ustrasana.

My standing bow.  Not bad, eh??

Triangle.  Also, not bad..

Love your camel.

A little relaxing by the pool.

Spoiling myself just a bit while I study dialogue.

The Pyramid.  One of the three buildings in the hotel.  My room is in this tower.  Home, for now.

I’m here, doing this Training. So far, I’m enjoying it. Well, you know, mostly enjoying it. It’s got it’s ups and downs (have I said that before??). But there are things that I may never understand about being here. And it’s probably for the best. Maybe in six or ten or twelve months it will add up and make sense. Maybe not. Who knows?

This experience is so unique. I’m almost three weeks in, more or less, and I can’t even really explain it to anyone. I have come to the conclusion that it’s just something to let go. Explaining this journey to anyone who either has never walked it or never will is, well, a little maddening. I don’t mind answering questions, of course. I love to talk. I love to share, obviously, and writing is one of my outlets. But for me, I have started to become more reclusive in the things I’m sharing. I’ve given more vague answers than specific ones and I do it on purpose. I get the same questions over and over. What’s it like? How are the classes? What are you learning? How do you feel? My answers are generally the same. It’s challenging, but amazing. The classes are tough, but good. I am learning more than I can ever share here, and I feel awesome. But what people really want to know is far deeper than than. They want to know if I’m going crazy with homesickness, if the classes are killing me, and if my body is really holding up in this extreme situation. They want to know what I’m being indoctrinated with, and how different I will be when I come back to them in 7 weeks. I know, I know you all so well.

But the truth is, I may never even understand it all. I am trying. But it’s a little like being told a parable that you hold tightly to for years and years. Then, suddenly, one day that story becomes applicable. Light is shone on the truth of it, and you suddenly understand. I think a lot of yoga is like that. We are given nuggets of wisdom, truth, stories, parables, thoughts, ideas. If we are wise, and are paying attention, we store those things away for later use. That’s what this Training is. We are storing up truth, ideas, knowledge, and information that will enable us to go out and teach this yoga to others. I (we) don’t always celebrate this, of course. Why on earth is Boss keeping us up until 2 am watching a movie we don’t get? Why are we sitting here listening to lectures hour after hour? Why? Because we may never understand them. BUT, then again, one day we may. And I think just the glimpse of hope that one day we may is reason enough to listen.

Last night in Jim’s class I became incredibly angry. WHY is he holding this set of Cobra for so long? I am so FUCKING HOT, let me out!!!! I want to lay my head down. Ugh, doesn’t he get that? I can’t stand it when teachers hold us in this posture for so LONG. Oh and why is the heat so oppressive tonight? WHY? I hate this. Well, obviously I don’t hate it. Obviously I love it, or I wouldn’t be here, right? YES! Of course I love it. I came out of that cobra weeping, sobbing, and cursing the hot, soaked mat I was laying on. But five minutes later, as I did floor bow, I understood that long cobra. My warm spine bent easily and effortlessly. I held that posture with gratitude.  Later Jim went on to tell us a story about loyalty, and how it’s one of the hightest Spiritual attributes you can have.  Loyalty, huh?  You mean, like loyalty to this yoga?  Yeah, see?  I get that.

There’s a lot I may never understand here.  But what I know for sure is that it doesn’t matter.  I do the best I can, give what I have to give, and commit to learning it.  I may never understand even a fraction of what I am taught during this Training.  But it’s all stored inside of me, like precious jewels that I may one day need to pull out to save my life.  And for that, I am truly thankful.

Namaste.

Week one redux.

September 20, 2008

Wow, it’s really over.  Week one is really over.  It’s hard to believe that, but also SUCH a great feeling.

So I’ve been trying to just be really present and honest and open the past week.  I’m not overdoing it with blogging or journaling.  I love sharing with you all, I really do.  And I’ve been doing the best I can to give you the big details.  But, honestly, I kind of like keeping this experience a little bit to myself.  I have so many different emotions moment to moment.  It’s impossible to keep up with all of them.  It’s really true that you are up one minute and down the next here.  It changes so fast and sometimes you have no idea where it comes from.  Like a ship in the night. But I’ll try to sum up the past week for you guys, my faithful readers.

First of all, WOW, this entire facility is incredible.  The hotel staff are amazingly friendly, it’s so clean, so beautiful, and it’s such a comfort when you literally crawl out of the hot cave and see them around smiling at you.  The sweet lady that cleans my room everyday always lines up my shoes and puts my slippers tucked under my bedskirt.  She also lines up the limes on my dresser.  Little things, people.  It doesn’t take much.  The food is great, and I’m NOT sick of it yet.  Pretty good variety doesn’t hurt.  I got a good look at the spa today and later I’m going to get a pedicure.  Yeah, my feet have been through a lot this week and this is one luxury I am affording myself.  Also, how awesome is it that we have laundry service?  It’s pretty cheap too, and SO nice not to have to wash out all those Shakti shorts and bras.  Little things, little things.

For those of you waiting for pictures, they’re coming.  Not today though.  Soon.  I’ve been a little stingy with pictures because it’s so time consuming to upload.  But they’re coming.  Be patient.

Anyway, the place is amazing and the pool is the most amazing heaven when your sore aching body wants to cool off.  Still no beach.  Later.

We have been hustling through Half Moon dialogue all week.  Still a lot of peole left to give theirs.  I’m not sure what they’ll do this week with it, but it will all get done.  Basically everyone here says their first posture dialogue in front of Bikram.  It’s just how it’s done.  With 310 people, you do the math, it’s SO time consuming.  But it’s fine, and listening to it is a great way to be sure you know it well.  So here it’s basically class, eat, lecture, class, eat, lecture.  Rinse and repeat.  I totally already feel the “Groundhog Day” thing.  I’m in a pattern I like and it’s good.  The weekend is a nice respite.

So, how’s the yoga?  Wow.  That’s almost all I can say (almost).  I heard someone tell me coming to Teacher Training is like starting ALL over again with this yoga.  They’re not kidding.  I’ve had 10 classes already!  I can’t even believe that!!  TEN in six days.  Wow.  Every class has been so different and I’d be lying if I told you I could remember them all and how I felt.  I can’t.  But I do feel overall it’s getting easier to go down into the room and face myself.  You have no idea what a mental hospital that room is.  Wow, when you practice in a regular studio, I think you feel it a little bit.  But being here, in the HUUUUGE room (you saw it!) it is so different.  I’ve had every emotion possible.  Today was my strongest class so far.  I stayed up for the whole class, did every set of every posture, worked hard, and only drank water during the water breaks.  Now for those of you not steeped in this yoga, that’s a good thing.  Right now, everything is about my brain.  I’ve had a little physical discomfort this week.  But overall, I have to get my brain to shut up.  My mind is constantly chattering.  Here’s a little conversation I had in a class taught the other day by Ulysses who owns the Mexico CIty studio:

I can’t do this.  Why am I here?  Why is everyone so damn happy??
Shut up Karen.
No, this is too hot.  Too humid, too hard.  I want out.
Shut up Karen.
If I die right here they’ll have to shut the whole show down to drag me out.
Shut up, it’s not that bad.
Why are my arms shaking?  Why do I feel cold?  Why is my skin clammy?
Just breathe.
Who in GOD’S green earth thought I’d be able to survive this?
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ok, breathe.  OK.  I’m OK.  I’m OK.  Oh look, Spine Twist, class is almost over.

I then spent about 20 minutes on my mat weeping like a little baby after they turned the lights off.  You have no idea.  These conversations go on daily.  Oy.

So, the room.  HOLY SHIT it’s big.  Something crazy like 15 or so mat rows.  It holds over 500 sweaty bodies and is apparently the biggest Bikram Torture Chamber on this planet.  Hallelujah, and I get to live in it for the next 8 weeks.  EIGHT!  Can you believe it?  ONLY EIGHT MORE!!  The first night, when Bikram taught the first class, I could have passed out with disorientation.  So many people, so huge, so humid, so hot…  Save me.  But now, a week in, it doesn’t feel as big.  I feel like I’ve gotten my bearings with that hot cave.  The room, the hot cave, the torture chamber, the dungeon.  You pick a name, vote, I’ll stick with it.  I have a feeling when I go home, I’m going to feel like our beautiful orange room is so small.  The energy flows and sometimes it’s like fresh air and sometimes it’s like a tidal wave of hell.  You never know.  I try to just be open to whatever is coming, but you can almost feel it before the teacher even gets up on the box.  I’m only responsible for my energy.  What a relief.  I treasure the feeling though, I treasure the sound of 400 some bodies taking that first breath in Pranayama.  Like one million locusts (according to Boss).  It’s incredible.  Oh and nothing sounds sweeter than the click of the lights going off after the final breathing.  Click, click, click click click….  Hallelujah, I’m still alive and the class is done.  At least for a few hours.

So far I’ve only had to watch ONE Balliwood movie.  I have a feeling more are on the way.  Oh yes, laaate nights with Boss are ahead.  Can’t wait for that.  Oh and in case you’re confused Boss is Bikram.  Bikram is Boss.  You are Boss, I am Boss.  You get it?  Yeah?  OK good.

I’ve made lots of friends and as I said before my roommate is SO great.  I have a buddy, Renee, a fellow Texan, who’s been my main buddy here.  She practices in Austin and she’s one hot chica.  If you’re lucky I’ll post a picture of her for you to see.

I’m going to go nap before my pedicure and then go to the pool.  Weep for me, right?

Thank you all SO much for your comments and emails and all.  You are my breath of fresh air.  I love you all.  Namaste!

The Roller Coaster

September 19, 2008

It’s FRIDAY!!!  I cannot believe that week one is nearly over.  Wow.

So, everthing anyone ever told me about this Training being a total roller coaster was right.  It literally is moment by moment up one minute and down the next.  I’ve seen some pretty deep lows this week and had some pretty high highs.  This is GOOD!  Am I right?  Yes Boss!

Anyway, my classes are feeling a little stronger.  I had quite possibly (what I thought) the worst class of my entire yoga career yesterday.  What’s funny about it is that I thought the class I had Wednesday night was the worst.  Get my point?  But then last night I had a strong class with Bikram.  I felt good, like I was floating.  I’ve cried every single class since I got here but last night.  There’s nothing wrong with that, I am certainly fairing better than many of my fellow students overall.  But it’s hard emotionally.  It’s all good, all part of this process I see opening up and as hard as it is, I am trying to let it go.

So people have been asking me, why do people collapse, vomit, pass out, etc, in the class here.  There are so many reasons for it.  And it’s not even just because it’s Training.  Bikram Yoga is like a refiner’s fire.  It’s the kiln, where you put your body to shape it, to mold it.  When you put your body in the fire, the shit comes out.  Whatever that means for you, it happens.  Tears, nausea, vomiting, fainting, it’s all just the body purging itself of the crap we’ve done to it for however long we’ve been alive.  One of our teachers said (I believe it was Jim Kallet) that the body NEVER forgets.  Everything we’ve done to our body is still in our body.  So you go into the room, the heat and the humidity, and you feel that purge.  Let it go, this is good.  Some of the students here are adjusting to the elevated humidity of the room (around 70%), others are coping with viruses, others are dealing with weak bodies, others are suffering emotionally.  We all deal with it, in different ways.  But what we learn from it is to get back to our mat, stand back up, and work.  Every day, class by class, breath by breath.

I gave my dialogue for Bikram last night, and I nailed it.  Felt awesome to be done with that.  Just, you know, 23 more postures to go!

This place is becoming more and more familiar to me.  I’m getting it why we have to let go and be here.  I have enjoyed having this time already just to not worry, not think, just do.  I’ve opened myself up, and I’m here.  I’m also looking forward to the weekend when I can rest a little more, study, and maybe even go to the beach.

So, how’s my body doing?  Overall, I’m doing great.  No dehydration, no cramping (WOW).  Overall, I’m just dealing with a slightly cranky digestive system (SOTBB), some fatigue, and my emotional junk.  I’m grateful to NOT be vomiting, or leaving the room, or passing out.  I’ve stayed on my mat, in the room, and that’s the goal.  I’m taking care and eating well.  So far so great.  Even when it sucks, I remember how far I’ve come.  I feel SO much new depth in my postures.  Just this far in!  I can’t wait to see how I feel in 8 weeks.  I’m holding things, pushing things, and feeling stronger class by class.  Thankful, thankful, thankful!!!

I had better be off to prepare for class.  Can’t wait to write again this weekend.  Namaste.